Are you experiencing love, lust, or obsession?

I’ve dropped the L word about 2nd Chris a few times. Ummm…maybe not, I don’t know. Is it possible to love someone who doesn’t treat you well? Is it possible to really fall into a one sided relationship, honestly? Or, is there some deficiency that your lack luster relationship is feeding in you? Are you mistaken on what emotional needs are being met? I think it’s ALWAYS worth asking yourself if it’s love, lust, or obsession.

James was 100% lust in the beginning. Again, we appeared in each other’s lives when we both were starved for attention. We were having a good time without expecting consequence. Our relationship grew and developed to a point of love, but it took years. That was never the intended direction.

2nd Chris may have been obsession. I’m still not convinced I didn’t love the man, but I’m questioning why I tolerated some of the stuff I dealt with. I was physically attracted to him from the word go. And to have that reciprocated in such a major way was amazing. (I’m not the coke bottle I used to be. I’m closer to a liter bottle than a vintage glass these days. I struggle with feeling sexy and desirable. In my head, I weigh 1000lbs.) I was head over heels crazy about the way he wanted me. I never wanted to give that feeling up…obsession. We needed intimacy…lust. And, there’s no limit with me. I just want the best for him. I want him to feel appreciated. He often talked about the responsibilities he held in other people’s lives. He is so needed; I wanted to be the one who valued him beyond what he provided…love. Or, am I being a chameleon again? Am I gonna say we are perfect for each other next? Who knows, but that’s doubtful!

Are you experiencing love, lust, or obsession? It’s a valid question. And, you have to figure that out to determine if you’re in the right relationship. Obsession will fade or be replaced. Lust may last forever, but real relationships require more depth. Love is elusive. We are all desperate to catch it. And, because of that desperation we often confuse something else for it.

I think love is something that comes organically as a feeling. It’s not created in deeds. And, it should not be difficult. It should be peaceful and comfortable. You should question anything that isn’t. Be honest with yourself, and get the most out of the relationship you’re in.

Obsession is never healthy.

Lust can be fine if everyone is on the same page.

James, ummm…maybe not

It doesn’t feel right. I may be over thinking this, my typical MO.

It’s been 7+ years? If we haven’t worked in that amount of time, we aren’t meant to be. And, can I ever really get over everything that happened during my pregnancy? I doubt it. He wasn’t very nice. He wasn’t very supportive.

I can’t let my desire to figure out love and relationships cloud my better judgement. We didn’t work because we don’t work. That’s it.

Take care.


He’s back. I have a tendency to just date the same handful of men over and over again. Case in point, James. He pointed out to me that we have been in and out of each other’s lives for 7+ years.

Who does that?

Me. I do.

So there’s something that has propelled this along for almost a decade, but what?

We are almost toxic. We bring out high emotion in each other. It’s gas and fire meeting in rage and passion. All the time.

So what do I say when he wants to try again. This time officially, like two grown people who have their stuff together. How do I open the door without the fear that it will slam in my face?

Backstory: James and I started dating on the heels of his divorce. I was struggling with my stance with the 1st Chris, and he was half in and half out of his marriage. It was bad timing for both of us. I think we were both place holders finding comfort outside an uncomfortable situation. And it worked, until it didn’t.

The end was peaceful. I don’t remember any drama, but it was over 7 years ago. We bounced in and out of each other’s lives multiple times afterwards. Just friends really.

Then the unthinkable happened. I got pregnant, and we freaked out. It was emotional chaos. I was overwhelmed. I HATE being a single mother. I didn’t want to do it again. And, there was no comfort from him. He didn’t want a family with me. He wanted this baby. That’s the LAST thing a single mom wants to hear.

I fought between abortion and having the baby. I decided to have the baby. James and I committed to figuring it out. The first doctors appointment came. I wanted to go alone. I had always gone alone with Blaise. I preferred it. I liked having that time to discuss things with my doctor. Something’s aren’t cute and need to be private.

I went to the doctors appointment, and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. The baby we had literally fought to have, was gone. We spent all that time thinking it was our decision, and it never was. We were both heart broken.

We’ve only talked a handful of times since. It’s hard to go back after something so big. Until today, when he put down his guard and told me he cares about me. And, I care about him too. It’s just that our history is so big, I’m scared a relationship would be suffocating.

We shall see…

Disclaimer: I have always been pro choice. It’s not my place, or anyone else’s, to judge what someone decides to do in their situation. It’s between that person and their God.