I’ve been training for a new job. Spent time in my exes home town. Drove the same streets I drove back when I was in love with him. Emotionally drug me back into that place. Literally sat in my new red Jeep remembering when my old red Jeep went straight where I turned right.
I didn’t expect a place to drag me back to an emotion like that. But, I hadn’t been in his area since the last time I was there with him.
We didn’t work out because we weren’t supposed to work out. Right? We’re both better apart than ever together. Right? We weren’t a destination, but just a part of the journey. Right?
Maybe this caught me off guard because of the stress my new gig has caused recently. Maybe it’s the lack of closure. Maybe it’s just me looking for a way to add chaos into calmer times. I don’t know.
It ended for a reason.
I wasn’t right for him.
He wasn’t right for me.
Not the destination.
2016 was interesting. Probably one of the most interesting years I can remember.
I dated some of the most bogus boys, got my feelings hurt, and stressed my self into a 20lb weight gain. My finances took a major hit. I fired some friends. I learned to depend on myself more. And, I realized I needed to alter some things in the parenting of my son. I’ve decided to work towards buying a home, paying off my debit, and launching my business…for real. I got new tattoos and new piercings. I changed my hair. I planned to change my life, but it back fired a little.
People died. Babies were born. Marriages probably happened at the same speed as divorces. Science and technology advanced. Science and technology were halted. There was a presidential election. It highlighted some ugly things. There was incredible social progress that’s been threatened over and over again. We were promised some of the greatest entertainment of all time, and mourned some great entertainers. Music progressed. Art progressed. But, there were parts that just seemed like the old stuff warmed over.
Was it just another year?
My eyes opened everyday. My heart never stopped beating. I took countless breathes. I had a gazillion opportunities. I was impacted. I hope I was impactful. I had days I thought I would break in half, but I didn’t. I made it. And, I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.
So, cheers to 2016. It was a necessary time. It prepared me for whatever 2017 has planned.
I really like the new guy, but don’t tell him. I’ve committed to playing hard to get while I focus on being sure I’m over the past guy.
Because the past guy was a major guy, and I got more emotionally attached than I’d planned. Hard to break free of the plans I’d made for us. Hard to be fully done, but I’m ready.
The new guy is kind. He’s funny. He checks in often, and he seems to be genuine. He wants this.
He’s in the same book as me, same chapter, just a couple pages ahead.
And, we connect well. We laugh. We have conversations. I have his attention without making any declarations or demands.
I don’t know what the future holds. This could crash and burn, and that would be okay. I can survive that. I’m stronger than hurt feelings. But, I’m not gonna be scared. No reservations. No baggage.
I’m just gonna ride this wave to shore.