There’s levels…

Shahs of Sunset S6E11

“There’s levels. There’s levels. There’s levels. There’s girls that you’re friends with. Girls that you sleep with. There’s girls that you date. There’s girls that you engage, and there’s girls that you’re gonna marry.” – Mike Shouhed, Shahs of Sunset

I’ve been living in the levels. All the levels. 

“Hello, my name is Leandrea, and I’ve been living in the levels.”

Sheesh. 

There’s girls that you’re friends with. I’m a great friend that’s a girl. I don’t need too much attention, just the occasional plus one, respond to my text, take most of my calls, and keep my favorite snacks and drinks at your place for hang outs. I’ll advise you on your relationships. I’ll support your courtships. I’ll stand up for you at your wedding. I know my place. 

Girls that you sleep with. AKA: Friends with benefits. One night stands. A hook up. Fuck boys. Fuck girls. I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to be that girl. Let’s be friends or not. Let’s date or not. But, I don’t wanna be a conquest. I’ve been that level, and it doesn’t sit well with me. It’s not a good look. 

There’s girls that you date. I’m perfect at this level. I’m an ideal dateable girl. I think I’m fun, a chameleon that can make most situations work. I’m available, with notice, and I’ll try almost anything once. I will hold you down. I’ll build you up. I’m charming with your family, and I’ll be friends with your friends. 

There’s girls that you engage, and there’s girls that you’re gonna marry. I’ve been engaged, twice even. Never married. Not yet. I don’t know that I’m even ready to be that girl. But, I’m down the street and around the corner from the final level, and it makes me want to vomit in my shoes…a little bit. 

Marriage isn’t necessarily the finale any more. Divorce is always on the back burner. It’s just simmering waiting for either person to turn up the heat. Sheesh. But, I’d like to think I’ll only do it once. I want to believe it will work until something like forever.

When I’m ready. 

Maybe I’m just the dateable girl. Converting into the live with girl. Always the plus one and vacation with girl. The never ending friends with girl. Maybe those are my levels. 

But, true success lives just outside of our comfort zone, right? Maybe? That could just be a clever self help slogan. 

We end up living through the levels. It’s life changing. It’s challenging. It can be overwhelming. 

So, I’m almost in the last level. Struggling, but I’m here. And, I’ll do my best to see it through. Because this is the plan. And before I got to this level, it was all I ever wanted. Now that I’m here and it doesn’t look the way I expected it to look or feel how I expected it to feel, I’m doubting everything. EVERYTHING. But, I’m going to try. 

 If it all goes to shit, I can just start over…right?

That’s not really how I’m moving into this, but it’s the truth. If it all goes to shit, we move forward…battered and bruised. That’s okay too. 

Side note: This post went in its own direction. Definitely organically written, zero planning, and off the cuff. 

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Sex II

I am sexual and sensual.

I enjoy every part of sex.

I believe there is no better opportunity to connect to someone than making love to them. I repeat making love, not a f@#%, and not just the physical part of sex. The actual act of expressing love is incredible.

I miss that when I’m not in a committed relationship. I don’t do the casual thing.

In the moment, in the act, I’m a talker, the words I can get out through shallow breaths. I don’t direct though. I compliment. I ask for things. I offer things. I express gratitude. I even laugh, when something is funny. And, I swear. I swear a lot, and I use all the words!

I’m also submissive. I’m a tough chick in most every other aspect of my relationship, and it takes a strong man to handle my personality, but sexually I’m submissive. It just seemed natural to relent control. And, I aim to please. I find the more I focus on him, he focuses on me. We aren’t trying to hurry and take care of ourselves out of fear of missing out. We are just enjoying the moments as they come.

I have fun.

Who are you sexually? And, is it satisfying you and your partner? If not, it’s time to make some adjustments. You have to start by figuring out what’s keeping you from being totally satisfied. Be honest and realistic. Then you need to ask him. Then y’all need to have a conversation, naked in bed, where you commit to making some changes in your sex life. Choose your words carefully. You aren’t out to insult each other. It’s an opportunity to grow sexually.

Try this…

Sex should be a build up.

Start with light touches long before you’re even in a position to do anything. Let you hand linger on his shoulder or back. Lock gazes, stare for a moment, smile, and look away. Whisper completely inappropriate things. Set the mental mood.

By the time you are ready for sex they will be all over you. Undress your partner, and let them undress you. Lay them down. Ask them what they want. And, DO IT!!! Do anything they want, within reason and your comfort level. You two know each other, they aren’t gonna blow their orgasm making stupid requests. And, enjoy doing it. Enjoy pleasing them.

Afterwards, talk about it. Compliment each other. Ask for more. It’s that easy.

Enjoy yourself. Have fun with sex.

Sex

Let’s talk about sex, part one. I wish this was open forum instead of just me blowing smoke up your crawl. But, here goes…

I think sex is a BIG deal. I think it is about connecting with and pleasing yourself and another person. I don’t think it should be taken lightly. All that said, it’s fun! It should be fun, but it should also be taken seriously.

I don’t have casual sex. There are times in my life I would be rationalizing my opposition to my own statements, but right now this is my truth.

Sex is a pleasurable experience between two people. It’s a way to solidify a relationship and build on it. That’s what it is to me, at least. And, if and when you take off the protection, that’s establishing a connection that’s not meant to be casual.

Let me back up and say I believe in safe sex. I think that as sexually active adults we should be taking every precaution to protect ourselves from the threat of communicable disease, unplanned pregnancies, and heart break. We should have sex with a clear mind and heart, not under the influence of lust or desperation.

Find a level of control sexually. Don’t give up your power, and allow someone to persuade you to do things you know you aren’t comfortable with. Have a voice. Have convictions. Have fun!

No Fashion, Just Feelings: RELATIONSHIP Failure

I originally posted this at stylechatic.wordpress.com, January 18, 2014. It was a part of my “No Fashion, Just Feelings” series before I started this relationship blog.

[I wrote this in a very emotional place. It was following the crash and burn of a relationship that I was really invested in. However, it was general in nature. I’d fallen for some of the same antics I’d fallen for before, and I was just calling them out.]

I’m over 30, and another birthday is creeping up fast.

I’m finding in my progressing age that I’m still struggling with this male/female relationship thing. I recently sacrificed the right guy for the wrong guy. Again. I’m half ready to do the commitment and marriage thing, but I’m also terrified. The ridiculous, dumb at life, boys are safe, but they are bound to disappoint me. And, they do. Even when we have “an understanding,” they seem to find a way to disappoint me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Wait, nah I saw it coming. I just didn’t expect it. Wait, nah I kinda expected it. I didn’t want it to happen. Confirm. I wanted us to be “better than that.”

What’s happening that as adults, comfortably in our 30s, we don’t know how to interact?

Me. I’m scared to want commitment and marriage too much when I can’t trust that the men around me are in the same place. I’m scared to not have a man on deck, to trust the man I’m with, or even imagine there’s love on the horizon. I’m scared that the fairy tale really is just a fairy tale. Even the women around me who got it all don’t seem to like it. What’s really going on?

Me. I think the men that sound genuine are just running game.

Me. How do I get a man, marriage, and one more baby in 2 years if the entire dating pool is tainted? I’m almost 33, and the pregnancy game changes at 35. I have a huge biological clock ticking in my ear and satisfying its aggression is beyond my control. I’m screwed. And, I’m not gonna take anything. I’ve been doing the single mom drama thing, and no more. I’m not gonna be tricked. I’m not gonna go for anything. We have to be kismet, blessed, and soul mates before I walk down any aisles or have any babies.

Him. He doesn’t mind filling my uterus. Sure, I’ve gotten a handle on this motherhood thing, and I’d be great at starting again. But, he never mentioned the relationship part. And if you’re so vain you think this is about you, nope you are constantly being repeated through my life with the same words and different faces.

Him. He refuses to communicate. He doesn’t even realize it. He’s so scared of the possibility of a “scene” he lets a misunderstanding turn into Armageddon.

He looks for greener grass. He refuses to accept when he loves me.

I’m tending the hell out of this garden. I can love him and his faults.

January 20, 2014

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