Week 5 was okay. Just okay. I had some real success with my activity, but I hit a brick wall emotionally. Same brick wall. Now, three times…
I went into the cycle of change with guns blazing. I was ready to change everything. And, I’d given myself a tight timeline in which to do it. And, it was really hard. And, I didn’t like it very much.
There was no real plan. There was absolutely no order. I decided to change everything, at once, in 2 months. Turns out that’s the fastest way to sign up for do-overs. And, I’ve already taken about 6 of them.
So, that means my title was bogus. I need do-overs. I need as many as it takes to get things on track and stay on track.
1. Change the title to Fresh start. New me. Only necessary do-overs. (LOL)
2. What are we focusing on changing? My attitude and my faith. My health and appearance. My relationships. My finances and career.
3. What’s the timeline? Forever, and the day after that. I’m looking for life changes and true happiness.
4. What’s first? Everything is still first. I’m just slowing down the process and being realistic with myself.
Today, I still feel like a victim. I hate to feel like a victim, more than anything. I hate to be out of control.
Earlier this week, I struggled emotionally. I let some things really get to me. Things just kept growing and mutating until it was too much to for me. I spent a couple evenings just crying uncontrollably and praying. Then trying to gear up for what the next day would hold. I’ve been exhausted. My blood pressure’s been elevated, and my blood pressure is never up. My head’s been hurting none stop, and I’ve gone back and forth between never ending hunger and being sick to my stomach.
Like I said in my previous blog, I realized I didn’t really have a shoulder to cry on. There’s no life preserver headed my way. I’m adult. My issues belong to me.
I’m standing out on an island. It feels like it’s sinking, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing anyone else can do either. That’s okay. That’s life sometimes. We have to step outside of the situation and find peace to get through it. I’m headed in that direction, peace is finally within reach. I need to meditate and pray. I need to alter my reactions. I need to gain control of my feelings. I need a break.
And, that’s a do-over. Because this out-of-control, helplessness, came with a host of bad decisions that I’ll spend the next few weeks fixing. And, that’s okay too.
There’s no timeline. I’ll be writing in this series forever. I’m not committing to when or how often either. I’m just going to try.
And, everything is going to be okay.