Why would I want a friendship with my exes?

There is a sincere part of me that believes that if it didn’t end in absolute chaos, 911 calls, or extreme threats we should be friends. Seriously. If we spent that much time in each other’s lives, loving each other, building a friendship, shouldn’t we remain friendly?

So friendly, not necessarily friends. Is that too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, it definitely is. 

I had to have this conversation, lose this battle, and eat poorly seasoned crow on this one. 

I’m only speaking for myself. 

I have had this STRONG desire to maintain this “friendship” with an ex. It’s been ridiculous, at times. But, why? Why have I fought the new man, the ex, and myself for a friendship that’s not really worth it? Because I like to win, and I hate to lose. 

I like to win. 

I hate to lose. 

It’s that simple. 

I invested a lot in that relationship. I gave so much of myself, and I lost…technically. He and I didn’t work. It wasn’t a happily ever after situation. We didn’t sail off into the sunset, well not together. 

And, I was crushed. Not because we were a good fit. Nope. Not because we had both tried so hard. Nope. I was crushed, I am crushed, because I put forth so much energy and effort for nothing. 

I know. I know. It’s the journey and the lesson, but those aren’t tangible. 

I didn’t feel the love he spoke. I didn’t get the baby we wanted. I didn’t get anything but a handful of empty promises and some debilitating headaches. I lost. 

I know. I know. I dodged a major bullet. I avoided a life time of excuses, misunderstandings, and let downs. I know. I really do, but it’s hard to trade that for the tangible. 

So, I accepted “friendly”. I actually initiated it, and I even pushed for it. Because, it means I don’t walk away empty handed. 

I’m not proud of this. 

Am I still in love with this ex? Am I expecting us to work out?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

It wasn’t a good relationship. He wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t right for him. It was toxic at points, and the high points are covered in sex. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t in the same place. We don’t have the same set of values. Nothing worked. 

I don’t want to go back. I don’t think I could handle another run. I barely made it out the first time. 

I just don’t want to feel like it was all pointless. I don’t want to feel like a loser. I don’t want to have lost. 

Sheesh. 

What about the new guy? Am I willing to sacrifice the new hopeful situation for the old tragic guarantee?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even.

I guess not. But, I kinda do every time I hold out for the win, huh?

This is a classic reason, season, lifetime situation.  Was the relationship meant to last for a season or a lifetime? Or, was there just a reason to it? Am I going to sacrifice a reason relationship for a lifetime relationship? 

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

I have to force myself to take this loss. I have to let go of the ALL the different relationships I planned with this man before it cost me the real relationship I’m living with my man. Duh. 

That’s the real win. 

Cue DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win

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The Confessions

I do reckless stuff when I feel overwhelmed in relationships. 

I have a tendency to get careless when I feel out of control. I make bad decisions. I do dumb things. 

I like the new guy. True, there are a number of things that make me wonder if I should jump ship, but I like him. I really do. And, I want to see where this goes. And, I want to enjoy the ride. 

But…

Every time there’s the least bit of trouble, I seem to want to sabotage everything. 

I want this to be easy. I want a daily sign, affirmation, that this is right. I need to be sure that I’m traveling in the right direction. I want to feel sure about things. And, I don’t. 

It’s really soon, though. We’re still counting weeks more than months, haven’t reached a celebratory anniversary, and I can’t yet fathom a year. 

I want to enjoy this. I want to appreciate it, but I don’t want to get hurt. 

Wow. 

That’s the truth. 

I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to get duped. 

And, I know that’s me projecting the past into the present. I know that. But, the past really did happen to me. And, I’m a little jacked up from it. 

Just hoping he likes me enough to give me some time to work through my crazy. It’s not radical crazy, no one will be harmed, and we can still have dates during. 

You see your ex…

There’s nothing more painful, in that moment, than seeing your past happily out with their new present. It’s devastating. It’s like being kicked in the gut, and it takes everything you’ve got to maintain your composure. It’s a fight or flight moment, and your legs feel like gelatin, your heart is racing, your head is firing off thousands of memories, and the situation is closing in on you.

You want her to slap his face. You want her to instantly hate him. You want her to be furious for any reason. Because the look of devastation on his face would be the only thing that could make everything better.

And one day, maybe, his FB status changes to single. You just happened to notice or someone messy tells you. She’s gone. He’s alone, and probably upset. And, you feel amazing.

Just don’t go back.

Because your closure is his unhappiness.

Sounds awful, and it kinda is.

But, the very best remedy to my broken heart is your broken heart. It’s better than any apology. Having the opportunity to witness or know you’re devastated, makes all my pain lessen. It’s true.

This is another of those times I’m saying what other people are thinking and refuse to say. It’s not cute or kind, but it’s true.

Reverse of that is…

You’re out, with the new guy. You’re having a comfortable time enjoying the newness of your relationship. Then, you spot him. It’s the past, and you knew that you’d run into him again, but you didn’t expect it to happen like this. You were supposed to be dressed to impress with a full face of make up and surrounded by 10 handsome men attending to your every need. You’re just hanging out. Casual. And, you’re with him, the present. A part of you feels great. This is the next closest thing to your original plan.

But, you loved him. And, the sad look on his face seeing you out with the present stings a little. You didn’t want to hurt him, as much as you wanted to be free of his chaos.

Now, it’s fight or flight. He saw you. He saw you happy. He saw you with the present, and that’s enough. You’re done. That’s your closure. Because in that moment he realized that he lost an amazing woman in you, you are no longer an option, and he screwed up.

His unhappiness is your closure.