Little hiccups and chest high walls

Had a little hiccup with the new guy. Yes, already. And, usually it would be just enough for me to go running in the opposite direction. I still have on my running shoes, but I haven’t taken off yet. 

New guy and I made plans. We’d made plans a few times, but something always got in the way. So finally we nailed down a time and date. We committed to it. No matter what, come hell or high water.

And when the time came, he was MIA. I had a lot going on in that moment. It was okay for me to extend my prior plans. I didn’t miss a beat in my own entertainment, but I did have a thousand different emotions around him not following through.

Was it me? Did he notice all the flaws I’m constantly picking at and decide I wasn’t worth the effort? Did he see my bad outweighs my good? Did he find out I’m still dealing with some misplaced emotional shit with the ex? Was he just pretending to like me in the first place? Did he go back to his ex? Had I read too much into what was going on?

I don’t know. But, I took it incredibly personal. There’s was no other way to take it.

He didn’t even seem to notice. He shrugged off my mention of it. Never apologized. Never owned it. Never gave an explanation. Until…I point-blank asked. It was polite, but aggressive. I needed an answer.

Turns out it was circumstance, bad signal, and avoiding the issues. He’s was out with his family. Mothers Day weekend, I’m sure everyone was in town. They were at the lake, doing whatever people do at the lake. He had no service. He lost track of time. All things I believe legimitely happened. But when you regained track of time and your signal returned, you should have made things right with me and our plans. Avoiding an argument? Blah. Blah. Blah. An argument is more likely to have been created by you avoiding me and the issue for the last 2 days. 

I’ve already done this. I’m not doing it again. I’ve already put myself through all of this. I’ve already felt all these feelings. Never again. I can’t spend the next, any span of time, feeling these feelings again. 

We talked. He apologized. I listened. I didn’t overreact. I didn’t under react. I picked my battles and this wasn’t one. It’s too early. It’s too new. I can’t handle the conflict. I’d rather stick with the ex and feel those feelings than start fresh. At least, I know it’s him and not me. At least, I know there’s a layer of love under the bullshit. 

So, we’re going back to the starting line. Starting over like nothing ever happened before. I’m gonna try to be open, but my wall is already up chest high. 

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The present. 

I really like the new guy, but don’t tell him. I’ve committed to playing hard to get while I focus on being sure I’m over the past guy. 

Because the past guy was a major guy, and I got more emotionally attached than I’d planned. Hard to break free of the plans I’d made for us. Hard to be fully done, but I’m ready. 

The new guy is kind. He’s funny. He checks in often, and he seems to be genuine. He wants this. 

He’s in the same book as me, same chapter, just a couple pages ahead. 

And, we connect well. We laugh. We have conversations. I have his attention without making any declarations or demands.  

I don’t know what the future holds. This could crash and burn, and that would be okay. I can survive that. I’m stronger than hurt feelings. But, I’m not gonna be scared. No reservations. No baggage. 

I’m just gonna ride this wave to shore. 

I met someone.

So, I met someone. Yep.

Life moves fast. You can’t let the grass grow under your feet, right?

The new guy, Mister. That’s how I’ll regard him until we see if he sticks around. Mister is a really nice guy. He comes across genuine and ready for a grown folks relationship.

He checks in with me. Wants to know how my day went. He’s been my sounding board and my confidant. He makes me laugh, and he thinks I’m hilarious. Mister gives me space when I need it, and he makes himself available to me.

When I told him that I have no idea what the next 6 months holds for me, I don’t know how long I’ll call Houston home, he said we will just focus on the moment. Swoon. He just wants this time to count. He just wants to be the highlight of my life here. Wow. Those were all the right things to say, sir. Kudos.

I wouldn’t usually do the rebound thing. I know I’m still an emotional mess after the last guy, but this feels good. This is easy. I’m not stuck feeling like I’m attempting a two man job by myself. Mister wants me, too. I feel like this guy could be a great guy even if he’s not the guy. And, that’s okay, too.

Welcome to my life, and my blog, Mister! Yay!!!

Don’t screw this up…