I want a wedding. 

  

Of course, I want a wedding.  I’ve been planning and designing it since I was a little girl.  Almost had one once. Asked to have one twice. Of course, I want a wedding.

I imagine styling my natural hair like something I’ve pinned from Pinterest. Maybe growing it long enough for a high bun or having it straightened like the old me. My make up will be understated. I want to look like me, but lots of lashes. I want my lashes to show in photographs. Individual lashes, nothing that screams falsies, done by a professional. 

I’ll wear diamond earrings. Something large, celebrity, and with the same cut as my engagement ring. Any other jewelry will be determined based on my hair, but I must have the earrings. 

My dress will be traditional, fitted. Classic with considerable beadwork or lace. And, I’ll wear flats everywhere but in pictures.

I’ll have just a few bridesmaids. I can only think of 3. They’ll wear different dresses based on their comfort level and body type. I really like olive green and coral. Something in one of those colors. We’ll make jewelry. Design it  with them. Make it with them. Sharing my passion. They’ll carry small bouquets in Fall colors. 

Fall wedding. I’m thinking late September to mid-October. 

My son will walk me down the aisle. He will wear a black tuxedo and white Converse. I love Converse. He doesn’t. Great opportunity to get him to wear them. I’ll pin a hot pink rose in his lapel just as the doors open for us. We will talk the entire way down. I’ll have a vintage handkerchief. He will have some  Kleenex in his pocket for me. He will tell me he’s happy. And, all my jitters will subside. We will stop at my parents. I’ll hug them both. And, they will all stand for me when the pastor asks who gives me to be married. 

The ceremony will be simple. Flower girl and ring bearer, but not all of those other roles. I know I want a soloist, but I have no idea what they would sing. I’m sure I don’t want any of those sand or water ceremonies. I hope my future husband isn’t counting on those. Also, no stand up comedy by the pastor. Romantic, comfortable, and simplistic. Straight to the point, and on to the reception. 

The wedding and reception will be at the same venue. Same room if I can make it work. No standing around. No waiting and boredom. As soon as we exit for picture taking and quiet moments, the music starts, appetizers round, and drinks start to flow. My husband, family, and wedding party get a little down time. We get a moment, but the party continues. No one notices I’ve stolen time with my new husband, taken a thousand pictures with the people I love, and I’m high-fiving my son in a corner because he wore the Converse and didn’t complain. 

Within an hour, we will make an entrance. Nothing too grand, I’m uncomfortable with too much attention. Shortly after, I’ll take the dance floor. My dad and I will dance, and Blaise will cut in. Then my new husband will cut in, the song will change to I’d Rather by Luther Vandross, and someone will announce our first dance. We will dance and talk about how perfect everything is, how we can’t believe we are pulling it all off, and how much we appreciate everyone coming. We will laugh, and he will spin me. Then everyone will join and we will dance until dinner arrives. And, we will dance again after dinner. And, we will dance until we cut the cake. And, we will dance again. Eventually, we will thank everyone who came. There will be wardrobe changes, make up updates, and garders and bouquets. We will do all of that too. 

I can’t decide if I’ll have a band or DJ. I’ve gone back and forth between the two. A band seems glamorous. A DJ seems much more practical. I don’t know, but probably a DJ. If so, he will have to dress better than DJs I’ve seen in the past at weddings. IJS

At the end of the night, we will all depart. My new husband and I will spend the night with close family. The honeymoon will be scheduled the next day. The family part will continue until then. Pictures will continue into the night. We will go to bed late, after more drinks, movies, and family fun stuff. We will be a family for awhile longer before we are just a couple on a vacation. At some point, teary eyed, I will declare that I married my bestfriend.

I can have a wedding, an incredible wedding even. I just don’t know how I feel about marriage. 

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Spinster Hag v Relationship Maven

Hey Relationship Mavens,

Your single friends didn’t die when you chose commitment.

XOXO,
The girls you used to talk to everyday
AKA Spinster Hag

I’ve mentioned that all my girls are booed up a couple times. Whether or not they are happily committed is beside the point. The whole world is in love, and I’m not. It’s cool. I’m not bitter because I’m not certain I’m ready, but it’s frustrating that our relationship status changed when your relationship status changed.

I’m sad and screaming, “what about me?” Silently screaming. Screaming in my head. Because if the single girl dare say ANYTHING aloud, she is considered desperate AND jealous.

Immediately, I’ll be attacked for not being positive and happy for my friend. Becoming the spinster that wants everyone to be single because I am. Then you’ll say that’s probably why I’m alone, because of how bitter I’ve become. And lastly, some one, some recently booed up chick of course, will say that I just need to get laid. Ugh!

So I’ll sit here, remembering my only child lessons. I’ll self soothe. I’ll play alone. And when the honeymoon, the can’t get enough of each other phase, passes, my phone will ring and my last text will be returned. I’ll break my neck to get to you, because I miss you.

That’s it. 😦

No wait…I’m happy for you. Really. I am.

Chemistry

I REALLY enjoyed chemistry in school. This plus this creates this. I get it. I’m good with anything I can apply logic too.

Relationship chemistry is a little more difficult for me to understand. We “mesh” well. He “gets” me. Yes, today? What about as your relationship evolves?

Your chemistry is my honeymoon period, the time when you inflate your similarities and mutual interests. That time when you’re being a chameleon. The window of time when both of you are perfect, and totally different from anyone else EVER. Is that your chemistry?

I don’t think I’m looking for this chemistry as much as I’m in search of sacrifice. Even if we don’t have everything in common, will you sacrifice for my interests? Will you be down no matter what? Will you pull me back when life starts to separate us? Can we create this so called chemistry because we love each other so much we will do anything? Huh?!

Disclaimer: This IS the bitter single me talking. Yep, I’m fresh out of a crash and burn. But, I have been feeling this for a minute. I may be forced to write a rebuttal some day, but today this is my truth.