Fool me once…Fool me twice

Fool me once, shame on you. But, fool me twice and shame on me.

That resonated with me this week as I found my voice and officially left the chaos of my last relationship.

I tried to do everything right in this relationship. I gave over control when he was uncomfortable. I tucked away my own needs when they weren’t acknowledged. I listened. I behaved. I let go of everything that bothered me, to guarantee peace in the relationship.

I thought this would pay off. I thought it would get me everything I thought I wanted. Surely, this would get me down the isle and determine if more babies came into my life. I just had to do everything right. Silence my concerns. Mute my feelings. This can work.

I didn’t last. I felt smothered. I couldn’t breathe. So, I spoke up. I asked for what I needed. Continuing to try my best to maintain the sacrifices I’d committed to. I did my part. And, he agreed. He said yes. And, I continued. I wanted the marriage less, and I questioned the babies more. But, I’d committed. So, although I voiced my concerns, I didn’t say no.

Nothing changed. Nothing.

But, I stayed. I taught him that he didn’t have to respect my feelings. I taught him that I would give without demanding anything. I taught him that respecting me was negotiable.

I didn’t realize it, though. I thought we were on the right track. I just had to stick it out. The change was on the horizon.

We broke up. I put my foot down. Nothing changed. And, one day I realized that this was as good as it would get. I’d taught him that I was a joke. He’d fooled me again and again, and I had no one to blame but myself.

And, this was overwhelming. He’s a good guy. He’s a nice guy. He doesn’t mean any harm. But, he’s not my guy. Because my guy would have heard me. He would have changed what needed to be change. Or, he would have tried. I’d feel safe. I’d feel loved. I’d be happy, more than not. But, I don’t.

I feel ignored. I feel disrespected. I feel disregarded. I feel sad and hurt. I feel very lost at the end of this relationship, but I also feel very free.

Fool me one time, shame on you

Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you

Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign

Load the chopper, let it rain on you

-No Role Modelz

J. Cole

Unnecessary drama – for the sake of drama

So I took some emotional hits last month.

Yep.

Someone made a number of baseless accusations about me. No biggie. I expect people to talk about me. They talked about Jesus. What hurt, was that the person they ran to tell believed everything. And, they used that as their platform to tell me all the things they had issue with too. Wow. Not only am I defending myself against lies, but I’m having to defend myself to someone who claims to know me. And while you’re asking me to give someone benefit of the doubt, did you stop to give me that same courtesy?

Nah.

I get it, I’m a tough chick. You probably felt those accusations validated your feelings. Is it because I am a no nonsense girl with commanding personality, or was there a level of intimidation I didn’t even know was between us? I’m not sure. You blindsided me. You put stuff out there that you’ve been holding for years, I assume. You hit below the belt. You called names. You told lies. You manipulated.

You hurt my feelings.

I’m not sure if it’s possible to ever get back to where we were. I’m actually more sure it’s not possible.

Trust is an easy thing to break and near impossible to repair.

Additional information: This all went down while my two best gal pals are hugged up with their new guys and sitting around waiting for their babies to kick. I was in the trench alone. (Disclaimer: I’m not jealous or upset with them. I’m actually really happy for both of these women, because they deserve the happiness they are experiencing. It’s just weird to not have either of them to run to. They couldn’t pick up the pieces of my life this time. Damn. Buck up buttercup.)

Disclaimer: I am the common denominator in all MY drama. I absolutely have faults and played a role in this situation. The sentence just didn’t fit the crime.

Disclaimer 2: I am too old to claim naive. I have to look at all sides and agendas, play this back, and examine it in detail. It will be 100% unacceptable for me to EVER find myself in this situation again.

This just in: And then suspect one said that most of those accusations were false. I kinda believe her. Naive? IDK. Her body language. Her words. Her behavior. Everything said honest. We got to something resembling the truth, and settled the matter as much as we could.

My guard stays up, but I turned on the invisibility shield.

Suspect number two gave me a lot to think about. Some of her behaviors felt projected on to me. And, it still stings to think I was defending myself to someone I shouldn’t have had too. But, this is life. Everyone has an agenda. If yours aren’t identical, beware!

Proceed with caution!