I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple.
My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress.
I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them.
And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense.
I tried. I know I tried.
I’m not easily overwhelmed. I can usually handle anything that comes my way. I can typically roll with the punches. Might be shook, but seldom do I fall. It’s just the way I’m wired. Thank my parents for resilience.
But, this love, or something like it, stuff is too much. My relationship recently hit a brick wall. Hard. I didn’t even see it coming. Didn’t realize what happened until it happened. Still reeling. Trying to pick up the pieces of chaos and make sense of it. Easier said than done, my friends. Much easier.
Found myself becoming one of those girls I preach against. Questioning everything. Looking for my own faults. Second guessing every word I’ve ever said. Desperate. Miserable. Aching. Wondering what happened. And, why.
It just happened. He holds answers he’s not willing to tell. Life just changes sometimes. Things don’t always work themselves out.
Reading back over the many posts hinting at him, this was inevitable. He hasn’t done anything to convince me we were real. He just didn’t want to do this anymore. Ouch. Damn. Sucks. Life.
So, I had to step back. Dial down my insanity. Stop the calls. Stop the texts. Stop FB. Turn everything way down for a minute. Needed a break to figure it out. Piece together the chaos.
3 days. Maybe 5 days. But that’s it. The demise is 6 days out. How many more days do I need? Don’t know, but I’m only allowing myself a handful more before I just start faking it.
So FB is closed. Twitter is up and running. We have no Twitter connections. I’ll blog. I’ll tweet, and I’ll do Instagram. But, for him and FB I’m closed until further notice.