I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple.
My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress.
I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them.
And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense.
I tried. I know I tried.
I do reckless stuff when I feel overwhelmed in relationships.
I have a tendency to get careless when I feel out of control. I make bad decisions. I do dumb things.
I like the new guy. True, there are a number of things that make me wonder if I should jump ship, but I like him. I really do. And, I want to see where this goes. And, I want to enjoy the ride.
Every time there’s the least bit of trouble, I seem to want to sabotage everything.
I want this to be easy. I want a daily sign, affirmation, that this is right. I need to be sure that I’m traveling in the right direction. I want to feel sure about things. And, I don’t.
It’s really soon, though. We’re still counting weeks more than months, haven’t reached a celebratory anniversary, and I can’t yet fathom a year.
I want to enjoy this. I want to appreciate it, but I don’t want to get hurt.
That’s the truth.
I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to get duped.
And, I know that’s me projecting the past into the present. I know that. But, the past really did happen to me. And, I’m a little jacked up from it.
Just hoping he likes me enough to give me some time to work through my crazy. It’s not radical crazy, no one will be harmed, and we can still have dates during.