I cheated, but not the way you think. 

  
I cheated. 

Yep. I did, but not the way you think. Actually, it was worse. And, it prolonged our relationship. 

I am an emotional cheater. 

I haven’t had too many relationships that were totally satisfying. They ended because they were missing something necessary to the relationship survival. Duh. Often it was something I refused to demand. And, I felt awful when it finally ended even though I knew it wouldn’t last. 

So, I’ve figured out that the demise of my last relationship was the fact we didn’t really know each other that well. We didn’t talk enough. We didn’t emotionally connect. We didn’t feed each other mentally and emotionally. I kept all my “best guy friends.” I didn’t expect my man to satisfy my emotions, because I already had that elsewhere.

No bueno.  

And, I was good with the chaos I’d created in my life and relationship. I got to maintain the comfort of my friends, and I got to have a great physical relationship with this man I was so incredibly attracted too. Until, I tried to put my emotional expectations on him. He wasn’t ready for that. We didn’t have that, and everything crashed to floor. 

It was messy, and I need to get away from it before it swallows me whole. I wanted him to be my everything, but that was unrealistic when we weren’t established that way. 

I had to decide if I wanted to just keep emotionally cheating, forever. Or, did I want to let it go and start fresh elsewhere? I wanted both. I wanted him to alter himself and be who I wanted him to be. I wanted to keep all my guy friends, but stop relying on them to fill spots in my relationship my man wasn’t filling. I wanted everything to work out in my favor. I wanted to win. 

Life doesn’t work out that way. Life gives you what it wants you to have. God creates who you ultimately become based on the chaos you live through. 

DISCLAIMER: So there’s a person who likes to hang me for any blog entry they disagree with. Ummm…okay. A part of my blog is letting people into my life and taking their criticisms. So let me explain myself. I emotionally cheated meaning, I relied way too heavily on people outside my past relationship for emotional support. I didn’t feel that I could share many things with my man as BFF’s. Instead of pushing to work through that I continued to lean on my friends just as I had before my relationship. I never stepped outside my relationship physically. And more than actually cheating on him,  we didn’t grow our relationship the way I wish we had. And when I/we did try, it was incredibly difficult because it wasn’t the relationship we had been having. There was resistance and instead of pushing I continued to make my friends my emotional support. I loved my ex. I never did anything to intentionally hurt him. We didn’t have an emotionally sound relationship due to past hurt and heart break, physical availability, and both trying to figure out what we wanted from ourselves and each other. Ultimately we just didn’t, and that’s both devastating and unfortunate. And, I wish better for both of us moving forward. 

There. 

Advertisements

Emotional Cheating v Physical Cheating

Emotional Cheating: establishing an emotional connection, beyond just a friendship, with a person outside your relationship. Confiding in another person, spending unnecessary amounts of time interacting with that person, discussing personal topics with that person, and hiding this relationship, or the complexity of it, from your partner are all signs you’re in an emotional relationship with someone else.

I think it’s easier to recover from emotional cheating, if everyone is honest. Typically this cheating is due to a deficiency in the relationship. It’s probably not intentional. With counseling or communication, this cheating may be overcome.

What led you here? A person in a healthy relationship wouldn’t allow themselves to be pulled into an emotional relationship with someone else, not a person truly concerned with the longevity of the relationship they’re in.

What needs aren’t being met in your current relationship?

Why did you go outside of your relationship to fulfill them? Or, why did they?

Physical Cheating:

This is harder to explain away. It’s intentional at some point. And, it is either attention seeking or because the cheater doesn’t care. They don’t care about disrespecting their relationship or their partner, and often guilt comes after being found out.

Physical cheating breeds repeat offenders. There doesn’t have to be any problems in the relationship for this to occur. They may just need opportunity.

What if it’s attention seeking? Did the emotional relationship go to far? Can your current relationship get back on track?

What if they just don’t care? You’re most likely dealing with a serial cheater. They will cheat because they wanted to. In that moment, they couldn’t see anything outside of fulfilling their own wants and/or needs. Can you trust them again? Are you willing to stick it out?

When faced with a cheating situation, the most important thing to do is communicate. What happened? You need to know what happened to figure out if you can move forward. And, sticking it out can be an option. You have to make decisions based on how you feel about your relationship. Can it be saved? Is it worth saving? Is there a part you played that needs to be addressed and corrected?

I don’t wish this situation on anyone. And, I say that embarrassed of parts I’ve played in all scenarios. Make a choice that you, not your friends and/or family, can live with.

Good luck out there!