This shouldn’t be complicated. 

I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple. 

My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress. 

I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them. 

And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense. 

I tried. I know I tried.

Don’t pretend to be my friend. 

Don’t pretend to be friends if you want more than friendship. 

Seriously. Both people will get hurt. Both will feel shortchanged. 

I tried to befriend someone that has feelings for me. I wish I could have reciprocated those feelings. He was a nice guy. But, I don’t feel it. I can’t fake it. I can’t force it. We can be friends though. 

He said okay. Until, I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Then the friendship I thought existed was just a casualty. It never became innocent. It never switched to friendship. It went from love to lust, romance to sex. If he couldn’t have a relationship with me, he wanted to have me in bed. And, I don’t want any of that. I just wanted to be his friend. It was kind of the consolation prize. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t know any of the same people. I just wanted to be civil. And, I thought he was a nice guy. 

But, he ruined that. 

It’s okay though. I was over my friend quota anyway. 

I just wish he’d given an ultimatum earlier on. We could have avoided so many senseless interactions. 

If anyone speaks to him, can you give him a message? 

Take care of yourself. I wish you well. 

Confessions 


Here’s my confession, a couple of weeks ago I was a mess. I wrote this but didn’t publish it. It was too raw. I was too fragile. One misinterpreted comment could have sent me over the railing. It was a rough time. And, it almost got the best of me. 

I’m fighting back tears as I write this. I don’t even have an exact reason to be upset. I can’t think of the specific thing that makes me cry. It’s all of the things. It’s the fact that my job is suffocating me. It’s the fight with my mother. It’s the drama with the man I care about, and the drama with the man I’m obsessed with. It’s all of it. It’s everything. It’s all happening at once. And, I can’t breathe. This, all of it, is strangling me. And, I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to move past this. I’m scared. 

This isn’t easy. 

This is real life, and I was in a dangerous place. 

And, when I put my guard down and reached out to the people closest to me, I realized who my friends really are. The most dynamic relationships in my life are my friendships. I value the people that didn’t let me break in half over the people that tried to break me.

I’m back. It was a long emotional road, but I made it back. 

Thankful for the amazing friends that pull you back from the brink of your crazy. 

Don’t tell me who you are. I’ll watch and find out. 

Big deal! Really BFD. I can just figure you out. 

Sparked from: a recent conversation about a self proclaimed saint among men who is obviously not a saint. That’s okay. I’m not a saint, either. But, I don’t try to sell myself as one. 

Ugh. 

Tied to: my last crash and burn, trial run, of a relationship. While he self proclaimed that he saved the world and came through for everyone, he missed our plans routinely. Oops, right? While you’re making yourself unnecessarily available to grown and capable people, you’re sacrificing the relationship you said you wanted. You’re sacrificing the woman you claimed to want to be with. You said you wanted me, this, us, but your actions don’t define your words. You just say a lot, huh?

Save the sales pitch. I’m a salesman, too. I don’t need it. And, I can see right through it. You’re totally transparent. You’re clear. You’re crystal clear. 

Don’t try to sale me an ideal version of yourself. I’m not interested in perfection. I’m looking at you, as you. And right now, you’re a liar. 

Glass House

I don’t know everything, but what I know, I know, I know. And, I own the difference. 

I am no relationship expert. I am figuring out new things about myself and my relationships everyday. 

I do the work, though. I try, and that’s all I got. 

I’m the product of dysfunction. I don’t have a history of healthy relationship examples. But, I still try. And, I know that every day won’t be easy. And, success is going to feel impossible at times. But if I keep doing this right, it’s going to work out. Right? It has too. 

The only part I can’t stomach is when the people who I thought would cheer me on, tear me down instead. But I understand. I’m sure it’s easy to see me from your glass house. And, it’s true that hurt people will hurt people. 

I’m gonna cry all night and let it wash everything away. Then, I’ll start fresh in the morning. 

GN 

I haven’t been spontaneous since 2004. 

I am not spontaneous. Seriously, I’m not. I don’t absolutely hate surprises or spontaneity. They just don’t really fit in my life, and haven’t since 2004. Because I found out I was pregnant in January of 2005, and it’s been downhill since. 

I’m a mom, a daughter, a sister, all while having a full-time job, a business, this blog, and social and community responsibilities. I am busy. I feel like I say that all the time. 

I am juggling a lot of balls. As many as many others, I know. But, I’m just talking about me. 

So if we make plans, there’s a lot I have to do behind the scenes of that “yes”. I have to make sure my son is taken care of. I have to coordinate with someone else’s schedule, ask them nicely, and hope they say yes with no strings attached. I have to make sure he has everything he needs for that timeframe and any other timeframe it may impact. (If it’s a school night, did he get his homework done, have dinner, get his bath, brush his teeth, take his medicine, feed his fish, put everything away, get his schoolwork and backpack ready for the next day, pick out his clothes, pack his lunch, get his snack, say prayers, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. It’s not the responsibility of the person who agreed to help me to do ALL of that. He’s my son.) 

Can I leave after he goes to bed? When you’ve showcased yourself as single to your child his entire life, leaving him to spend a few hours “with some stranger” can be difficult to process…right before bedtime. 

I need to coordinate my work schedule. For me to have a late dinner and movie with you, I need to ensure I’m not going to be the closer at my retail job and miss any time with my son that evening. I need to go home and wrangle stuff, get things for both of us done, and ensure that I’m ready to see you. Plus I want to go ahead and have my shower, to keep from disrupting the house when I make it in. And because work attire and date attire are different, I have to put a lot of work into looking like I put in little effort. 

If I have to leave town for you or with you, I need to do all that times 1000.  Is my son staying with one of my parents or going to his dad’s for the weekend? Is my work schedule covered? Have I made any commitments to my friends, family, or social contacts that need to be changed? Is there anything I’m forgetting? Wait…who’s going to feed the fish?

There’s no room for spontaneity in this phase of my life. 

There’s also no room for missed plans or shitty excuses. If we make plans, and I do all of those things, you flaking in the 11th hour is unacceptable. It’s also inexcusable unless you’ve had some emergency situation or work thing that couldn’t be altered. 

And, it’s disrespectful. Because if my only responsibility in life was to sit still and wait for your attention, that’s funny to even type, it’s only courteous to follow through with what you have agreed too. It’s basic. It’s one of the things we were taught in grade school, at church, and at home. Honor your commitments. Respect other people’s time. Be a man or woman of your word. Integrity. Respect. Grown folks shit! 

Because, we are grown people. We know how to interact and engage with one another. We know how to do what’s right. Especially…ESPECIALLY, when you want to date me, sleep with me, and possibly give me your last name some day. 

And if you happen to screw this up, human nature and shit happens, apologize. Just apologize. Sincerely, apologize. Tell me the minute you know, try to lessen the impact, fix what you can, and apologize. Acknowledge the gazillion things I had to do to make myself available to you, the other people who were involved, and my hurt feelings. Own that you just messed up. Stand up like a grown up and accept responsibility, and NEVER let it happen again. 

I know emergency situations arise. I know, and this is separate from that. If you have an emergency or work thing out of left field, I get it. And if I get upset, I’m unreasonable. I would owe the apology. But only for the unforeseen, not the oops I forgot. 

I hope this provides some clarity to the man I went left on, the man I should have gone left on, and anyone else who’s immature shit isn’t recent enough to recognize.

36

I’m writing this sitting at the nail salon. I have the salon chair going at full speed and my feet are soaking in a jetted tub full of blue water. I have my go to gray close by, Steel Waters Run Deep by OPI.

I’m relaxed.

I slept fine. I woke up rested. I already tackled a thousand things, and now I’m here, relaxed, waiting my turn to have my nails buffed and painted.

Life is good.

I’m usually really anxious on my birthday. When I was younger it was wondering about gifts and surprises that kept me awake, but here in my 30s it’s wanting to make more of this year than the age before. It’s fear of committing and falling short, again. It’s wanting more than what’s realistic, and having zero notion of how to turn impossible to possible.

Not this year.

I’m fine. I’m not overly eager. I’m more at peace.

I’m dating someone. It’s been a little chaotic, but we’re in a good place. And, it’s the little things between us that make me feel like this could be the relationship I’ve been waiting for. I don’t know. I could be wrong, but it feels good. And, if it blows up in my face it won’t be the end of the world. It will just be the beginning of the next thing.

My business is starting over. My blog is doing well. I’m establishing new ventures. I’m making new connections. There’s a new energy behind what I’ve always done, and I feel success. I feel like I’m on the cusp of something incredible.

My family is healthy. We are happy. I am surrounded by the most amazing people that love me, support me, and encourage me. And, I have a son who continues to change my life everyday.

So, I’m 36. It happened really fast. It’s like my birthdays seem to be coming twice a year. And, I’m grateful. I’m peaceful. And, I’m happy.

This is what 36 looks like.