Fighting the urge…

Fighting the urge to contact him, because I’m his past even though he’s still my present. And, my future would be angry. 

It’s too much. 

I know he’s not good for me. I’ve lived all the chaos and discomfort. I’ve been in the midst of all the disappointment and heartache. I know it will never be better. BUT, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. And, it doesn’t mean I didn’t want everything to work out like the movies. 

I was waiting for his eureka moment. Maybe, I still kinda am. Umpf.  

The newest new guy wouldn’t be okay with this, and the old guy wouldn’t really care. 

Shit. 

Found this post from 9/25/2017. I started it, but didn’t finish it. I was embarrassed because of it, struggling with, and being suffocated by it. I loved someone who wasn’t willing, capable, or interested in loving me back. 

I mean really loving me, like dangerous levels. 

And, I was hanging on with both hands. I was all in. I was looking for any signs that we were meant to be. I was giving so much of myself it was overwhelming for him. I just wanted him to know that I was the one. 

And, I wanted him to know I was moving on. Because I was, kinda. And, that should be the boost he needed for his eureka moment. Right?

The new guy, was new. I hadn’t invested much. I didn’t know him well. We didn’t have history. We were new. 

It was good, but it might be a hoax. Should I really let go of the chaos I knew for a chaos that I wasn’t sure I wanted? Should I? Really? 

In the end, I straddled the fence. The newest new guy was more chaos than I could handle, and the past needed to stay in the past. 

I learned from both of them. 

And, I walked away knowing that I either wasn’t really ready or wasn’t really committed.

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You’re inconsiderate 

Sheesh. This relationship stuff is really difficult. 

I’ve been going through some drama in my relationship, and we are struggling. 

Our primary issue has been ongoing, but I’ve had a hard time verbalizing how I’ve been feeling. How do you tell someone that’s bent over backwards for you, that you think they’re selfish? It doesn’t really make sense. It sounds ridiculous. It comes across petty. And, I become the drama queen that’s impossible to please.  

But, that’s the truth. He is selfish. 

Backstory is that he’s been single for the last DECADE. Although he has dated, he hasn’t been in any relationships…at all. 

10 years, huh? That’s a long run.  That’s a long time. 

So although he’s treated me like a queen, queendom ends where his wants begin. There’s no sacrifice or consideration. This is his kingdom. 

And, I can’t. I don’t want to. 

It’s in my nature to sacrifice, consider, and make it work. So, I need to feel that it’s appreciated. There’s only so much I can give if it’s not. 

We have to figure this out. We have to. It’s figure it out or nothing.

We could have everything, but you aren’t willing to change. 

Sad. 

I think the old saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. 

You can teach anyone, at any age, anything they are receptive to learning. Anything. They. Are. Receptive. To. Learning. 

I hate to hear anyone tell me that their relationship didn’t work out because their significant other tried to change them. 

Why?

Because you should be grateful that they were trying to motivate you and push you forward. Maybe, they saw a future with you. Maybe, just maybe, they knew that future couldn’t exist without some fine tuning of a couple of things. 

I’m not talking about the partner that wants to change you into someone that you are not, are not interested in becoming, and won’t improve your life in any way. I’m only discussing the person that wants to help promote you to the next level. Alter a few things. Modify some stuff. Tighten up your edges. 

Backstory: The new guy and I are coming out of the honeymoon. The honeymoon is officially over, and we have been getting, at times, painfully honest with each other. It’s not always easy to take, but we have both remained open minded. We give benefit of the doubt before letting our feelings get hurt, and we hear each other out. We have been using a teamwork philosophy. If you want to see change in someone be committed to being a part of the change. And, we stay the course. We celebrate the success, and we don’t allow ourselves to railroad or be railroaded.  

I’m not saying any of this is easy or comfortable, but if they truly care about you these changes are to grow you. 

Try. 

But, I’m not happy. 

This is a hard story to tell. It’s a hard realization to live. 

I’m not happy, but I want to be. 

Is he the one? Or, isn’t he? 

I’d trust my instincts, if they were clear. 

I’m having a hard time. 

We’re having a hard time.

This will either make us…

or break us. 

It’s really simple and kinda complex. All our little problems have come to a head. It’s all the little ticks combining to work our nerves. All the little things have become a big thing, and they’re sucking all the air out of the relationship. 

Neither of us had done a fully committed relationship in a decade. Yep, a decade. There was that guy. He and I were involved, but it wasn’t solid. It wasn’t whole. It didn’t really work. And, he had a few girls. Neither of us have done this though. Not for a minute. Not in a minute. And, we didn’t totally miss it. 

Now, we’re smashed together. We’ve done the meet the family thing. We’ve committed. We’ve stretched ourselves thin for each other. We are in this thing. But, it all happened so fast. 

How did I go from a single mom to a girlfriend, future fiancé, one day wife, and hugging his family members in .002 seconds? What happened? When did it happen?

Why can’t I catch my breath?

What are we doing?

I felt like my identity was fading. I was signing up for things that were bigger than I could fathom. I was being sucked up in this relationship machine. I needed to escape. I was overwhelmed. 

I wasn’t happy. 

I needed to hit the pause button. I need to stop this and find myself in it. I had lost my voice. I was  just doing what I was supposed to do. I was getting drug along.

It wasn’t his intention. He hadn’t compromised in a decade. He has a strong personality. He was doing so many perfect relationship things. He was handing business. If I didn’t speak loud enough, his commanding presence just rolled right over me. 

I stopped talking. I stopped trying. I stopped being in the relationship. I started emotionally connecting elsewhere. I was shutting him out. I wasn’t happy. He couldn’t figure it out, because I wasn’t letting him in.

We’re in a tough space. We’re struggling. This is so hard. 

We aren’t happy. 

So, we are both living in this gray space. Neither of us is certain if we want to stay the course or cut and run. We aren’t done, but we aren’t convinced we should keep going. 

Damned if we do. 

Damned if we don’t. 

Exhausted. 

Know your worth?


I’ve battled, for a thousand years, with the phrase “know your worth.”

I don’t think anyone ever told me my worth. I don’t think I understood my worth. And, I didn’t know how to establish it. 

I believe the value you place on yourself is directly related to how you have been treated, your wants and desires, and how you feel about yourself. 

In using the phrase we forget that everyone doesn’t have a good foundation of worth and isn’t realistic with expectations. 

I’m still figuring out my own worth. I’m still trying to establish that in my life. 

And, I’ve done that through trial and error mostly, but I’m devising a better plan as I go. 

To start, I’m certain that I’m worth what I’m offering..honesty, reliability, compassion, sincerity, fun, and passion. If the man I date, the friendship I build, or the job I take can’t give me those things back, then we have a huge issue of respect. And, I can’t imagine I’m gonna stay around that long. 

Second, I’m a catch. Seriously, I am. I’m worthwhile. I may not be ideal for everyone, but that doesn’t lessen my importance. I realize that. And because of that, any opportunities that don’t work out just weren’t meant for me. They aren’t because I’m inadequate. 

That was a really hard lesson. 

So knowing your worth is about knowing yourself. 

Duh, I know. 

But there are so many of us that are less than experts on self. So, instead of focusing on a worth that’s yet to be defined. Figure out who you are. Establish what you’re bringing to the table. And, value yourself as you currently are even if improvements can be made. We can all make improvements. 

Once you’ve mastered that, you will have a good grip on knowing your worth. 

Good luck. 

God speed. 

You don’t have to be a princess to become a queen. 


I was never anyone’s princess. 

My dad wasn’t the type of dad to have a princess. He didn’t subscribe to all that daddy/daughter type stuff. He was a hard working provider. There weren’t a lot of lovey dovey moments, but no one missed any meals, not one need was ever forgotten, and most of what I wanted I had two of. I’ve always been loved. 

My parents weren’t the madly in love type. They were upper middle class folks that worked for everything they had. They sacrificed and pushed themselves to achieve what they wanted until they didn’t have to. There isn’t a lot of time for date nights and romantic occurrences when you’re building an empire. 

My mom is tough. She was raised by single women. No matter what my dad brought to the table she was conditioned to be able to provide for herself and me. She lived that rule. Warriors, raised to be warriors, don’t raise princesses. They raise warriors. 

I’ve never been a princess. I’ve never aspired to be a princess. I don’t understand it. 

I understand work. I know how to push myself. I know how to be reliable, strong, and consistent. I know how to get stuff done. This is queendom. 

I’ve always preferred a crown over a tiara, anyway. 

#QUEENDOM 

PICTURE

Why would I want a friendship with my exes?

There is a sincere part of me that believes that if it didn’t end in absolute chaos, 911 calls, or extreme threats we should be friends. Seriously. If we spent that much time in each other’s lives, loving each other, building a friendship, shouldn’t we remain friendly?

So friendly, not necessarily friends. Is that too much to ask?

Yes. Yes, it definitely is. 

I had to have this conversation, lose this battle, and eat poorly seasoned crow on this one. 

I’m only speaking for myself. 

I have had this STRONG desire to maintain this “friendship” with an ex. It’s been ridiculous, at times. But, why? Why have I fought the new man, the ex, and myself for a friendship that’s not really worth it? Because I like to win, and I hate to lose. 

I like to win. 

I hate to lose. 

It’s that simple. 

I invested a lot in that relationship. I gave so much of myself, and I lost…technically. He and I didn’t work. It wasn’t a happily ever after situation. We didn’t sail off into the sunset, well not together. 

And, I was crushed. Not because we were a good fit. Nope. Not because we had both tried so hard. Nope. I was crushed, I am crushed, because I put forth so much energy and effort for nothing. 

I know. I know. It’s the journey and the lesson, but those aren’t tangible. 

I didn’t feel the love he spoke. I didn’t get the baby we wanted. I didn’t get anything but a handful of empty promises and some debilitating headaches. I lost. 

I know. I know. I dodged a major bullet. I avoided a life time of excuses, misunderstandings, and let downs. I know. I really do, but it’s hard to trade that for the tangible. 

So, I accepted “friendly”. I actually initiated it, and I even pushed for it. Because, it means I don’t walk away empty handed. 

I’m not proud of this. 

Am I still in love with this ex? Am I expecting us to work out?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

It wasn’t a good relationship. He wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t right for him. It was toxic at points, and the high points are covered in sex. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t in the same place. We don’t have the same set of values. Nothing worked. 

I don’t want to go back. I don’t think I could handle another run. I barely made it out the first time. 

I just don’t want to feel like it was all pointless. I don’t want to feel like a loser. I don’t want to have lost. 

Sheesh. 

What about the new guy? Am I willing to sacrifice the new hopeful situation for the old tragic guarantee?

No. Nah. Nope. Not even.

I guess not. But, I kinda do every time I hold out for the win, huh?

This is a classic reason, season, lifetime situation.  Was the relationship meant to last for a season or a lifetime? Or, was there just a reason to it? Am I going to sacrifice a reason relationship for a lifetime relationship? 

No. Nah. Nope. Not even. 

I have to force myself to take this loss. I have to let go of the ALL the different relationships I planned with this man before it cost me the real relationship I’m living with my man. Duh. 

That’s the real win. 

Cue DJ Khaled’s All I Do Is Win