We are still figuring it out. 

How are we gonna survive in each other’s lives? How will we appreciate each other? How will we both win?

It’s more than just casual. We are figuring it out. 

My struggle is that just because I got a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted, doesn’t mean I have to ignore all the things that were important to me that I didn’t get. 

I have this man who supplies me with incredible attention. He’s considerate. He’s kind. He’s totally engaged in the success of our relationship. 

But, we still struggle with communication. We’re still figuring it out. I shut down when things are rough. I’m currently shut down. And, I know it isn’t productive. I know it breeds confusion. But, I don’t want to create chaos with a highly emotional response. 

This is a relationship. It’s all highly emotional, right?

He’s stuck trying to figure me out. He’s deciphering my mixed signals. I’m deciding if this is the other shoe. Should I just cut and run? Sheesh. We can be so exhausting. 

His struggle is probably that he was totally single before me, my kid, and our dog busted into his life. He isn’t used to being this considerate of this many extra people. He’s figuring out how to live amongst us. How to love me? How to befriend my son? How to win over the dog? How to not get lost in the madness he didn’t realize he was signing up for. 

“Ok get ya kids, but then they got their friends. I pulled up in the Benz. They all got up in.” – Kanye West

And, I knew what I wanted. I had a mental list. There are so many boxes left unchecked that weren’t as important as I’d thought. But, there are some serious boxes that must get checked for me to be happy…for us all to function. 

The honeymoon is over, and we are still going. We’re still working. We are still figuring this shit out. I didn’t run away. And, I didn’t run back to the past. I think this guy might be the one. 

Side note: I had to change the title of this. I wrote on it for weeks, and I couldn’t get the message right. Then I changed directions. It organically told the story I was trying to tell when I stopped beating my head against a brick wall. 

We only entertain what’s important to us. 

I’ve had a long and often complicated relationship with this one guy. I saw so much potential in us, sacrificed so hard, and prayed for us almost daily. 

I’m 36. I felt this had to work. We had to be successful. I honestly felt like it was my very last chance. Because, in those moments I saw my options for another child, this grand life, and all my goals slipping through my finger tips. We had to work. Right?

No. We didn’t. We weren’t good for each other. We weren’t focused on the same agenda. We didn’t have the same goals. We just weren’t right for each other. I had to get that into my rock hard skull. I had to learn to live without him. 

I had to learn that we only entertain what’s important to us, and he wasn’t really entertaining me. 

I had to learn that if it worked out, this would always be my life. I would always be hurt. I would always be disappointed. I had to learn that we weren’t creating a partnership, he was teaching me how to settle. I had to learn that  his love would never be enough for me. I had to learn that it wasn’t the sacrifice I was meant to make. 

And, I’m still learning how to let go. I’m still figuring out how to let go of the investment I made with zero return. Because that’s what it’s all about. 

Really, that’s it. 

I gave so much for us. I invested so deeply. I tried so hard. There’s gotta be a payoff, right?

No. 

Sometimes there’s nothing left. Sometimes you just lose. I lost. But, it’s kinda losing the battle not the war.

 
Because winning is sometimes losing, right? I’m choking on my on words. 

I’m on the other side of that chaos. Still wishing we had a friendship to show for the time we spent in each other’s lives, but grateful that he left me in a place to meet this new guy. 

Because this guy is making an equal investment, and I’m looking forward to all the adventures, life, goals, and opportunities we will explore TOGETHER. 

“Last night took an L, but tonight I bounce back.” -Big Sean

So there’s this guy…

There’s a new guy. He’s a big f’ing deal, too. 

So we met in a haphazard way. I was enjoying a late dinner and marg with a friend. Sitting in a bar booth at On the Border, and minding my own business. We were set to close the place, or get really close. This was our first opportunity to catch up in a minute, and we had a lot to cover. 

As the bar patrons thinned out, I heard this loud voice booming over all the left over conversations, blenders, and televisions. He was playing commentator to some sporting event, out talking his friends, and standing up at the bar. 

WTH?!

I told my friend a couple times how annoyed I was. He was too loud. He was too hype. He was too intoxicated. Someone should take his drunk ass home. And if he chauffeured himself, let me get home before you hit the road. Geez. 

When we got up to leave, we had to walk right past him. I put my head down, and decided to breeze past. I’d already had enough. 

But, one of his friend was a guy I was friendly with. I felt compelled to speak. Just a quick half hug and the highlights on life since we’d seen each other last. 

I made the mistake of commenting about his “drunk friend.” As an aware citizen trying to ensure this man wasn’t going to be out and about on the roadways. Something like, “you’re friend is drunk af.” I whispered it during our half hug. It went directly into his ear. I was trying to keep my concern secret. 

He announces, “he’s not drunk.” 

“What?!” I said in disbelief. 

“Nah.” 

“You sure?”

And, we called too much attention to ourselves. Now the topic of “we’re talking about you not to you,” was turned around staring directly at me. 

“She thinks you’re drunk.” The guy says. Who is she? You probably don’t even remember my name. So, you shouldn’t be outing me. Damn. Really?

“I’m not drunk. I haven’t even had one drink.”

“Oh…” I had more to say, but I was choking down the foot in my mouth. I mustered up something charming. Laughed the whole thing off. Engaged them both a little more. And, then got the hell away before I said anything else I’d have to apologize for. Apologizing isn’t my favorite. 

Spring forward…I guess I was just charming enough. 

The next time we saw each other, we were having date night dinner at Olive Garden. Then we saw each other every day for over a week. Then we cooked dinner together at his house. Then we watched excessive amounts of TV. Then we had more Olive Garden, talked about going to Cuba, he learned how I liked my coffee, and he even met my son. 

We even had a spat. The honeymoon is over. We’re living real shit. Some days it feels like it would be easier to cut and run, but I don’t want to miss the journey. I don’t want this to end. 

Funny thing, I’d just realized I was done with relationships. I wasn’t ready. The thought was too much. I just wanted to build me. I just wanted to figure out my life. I need to carve the path to success for me and my kid. 

I was good on my own. That’s the way it was

And, I told the people closest to me, I’m not interested in a relationship. I’m just gonna date and have fun until I meet the guy that makes me not want to date anyone else. 

Something about opening his pantry and seeing a stock of my favorite Powerades, the ones he hates, and a little jar holding all my Splenda packets, that makes me wonder if I’ve met the guy that makes me not want to date anyone else. 

Side note: Those are just a few of the things he does. I’m writing this while eating the lunch he packed me. He’s a good guy. 

Speak up, loud and clear. 

I recently started dating someone. It’s new, but it’s going well. He’s attentive and warm, encourages me, supports me, and we laugh A LOT. This is going really well. 

And, we’re nearing the exclusive stages. So, I needed to reach out to past gents and let them know I’m taking myself off the market to invest in this new venture. 

Wow. 

Just the other day, I was making declarations about being single. Enjoying my freedoms. Not looking or expecting anything more than a few dates, a few cocktails, and a few laughs. I was finally enjoying being a single girl. I was invested in me. I was focused. 

Then he came along. And, he’s screwed up everything.

I’m happy. 

So, I start the conversations. And, 2/3 confessed that they wanted more. They’d been thinking about more. They’d been considering more. They’d realized their feelings for me were stronger than they’d thought. The other one saw this coming. Wanted me to be happy. Wished me well. Promised we’d be friends. 

Okay then. 

If you knew you wanted me, why didn’t you speak up? What’s wrong with you? 

Wait…did you think I was gonna stand in this space forever? Did you believe our non-relationship was so strong it would last forever?

No. NO. NO!!!

I was open to the man who would change my plan. You didn’t. 

I’m okay with that. But, as a woman who cares about you, I’m telling you don’t let another woman pass you by. Live in the moment. Love honestly. Don’t be afraid. And, tell her. She might be the woman that changes your life.  

Speak up. 

This shouldn’t be complicated. 

I only want two things. I want someone to believe in me, and I want someone to fight for me. That’s it. It’s that simple. 

My last two relationships blew up in my face. They were both men that promised me something they couldn’t commit to. I was hurt. I tried so hard, and I remained their friends. I’m supportive. I cheer for them. I want the best for them. I know it will never progress. 

I fought for them. I loved them. I sacrificed for them. I would bend nearly in half. I was in. Both times. And, it didn’t work. They couldn’t, or wouldn’t, come through for me consistently. They were both so broken, and I was ill equipped to fix them. 

And, I gave up. After minutes, months, and years of doing my part, I gave up. Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone who tells you they love you? It’s devestating. Because if you’d said that you didn’t love me it would all make sense. 

I tried. I know I tried.

Don’t pretend to be my friend. 

Don’t pretend to be friends if you want more than friendship. 

Seriously. Both people will get hurt. Both will feel shortchanged. 

I tried to befriend someone that has feelings for me. I wish I could have reciprocated those feelings. He was a nice guy. But, I don’t feel it. I can’t fake it. I can’t force it. We can be friends though. 

He said okay. Until, I couldn’t live up to his expectations. Then the friendship I thought existed was just a casualty. It never became innocent. It never switched to friendship. It went from love to lust, romance to sex. If he couldn’t have a relationship with me, he wanted to have me in bed. And, I don’t want any of that. I just wanted to be his friend. It was kind of the consolation prize. We don’t have anything in common. We don’t know any of the same people. I just wanted to be civil. And, I thought he was a nice guy. 

But, he ruined that. 

It’s okay though. I was over my friend quota anyway. 

I just wish he’d given an ultimatum earlier on. We could have avoided so many senseless interactions. 

If anyone speaks to him, can you give him a message? 

Take care of yourself. I wish you well. 

Confessions 


Here’s my confession, a couple of weeks ago I was a mess. I wrote this but didn’t publish it. It was too raw. I was too fragile. One misinterpreted comment could have sent me over the railing. It was a rough time. And, it almost got the best of me. 

I’m fighting back tears as I write this. I don’t even have an exact reason to be upset. I can’t think of the specific thing that makes me cry. It’s all of the things. It’s the fact that my job is suffocating me. It’s the fight with my mother. It’s the drama with the man I care about, and the drama with the man I’m obsessed with. It’s all of it. It’s everything. It’s all happening at once. And, I can’t breathe. This, all of it, is strangling me. And, I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to move past this. I’m scared. 

This isn’t easy. 

This is real life, and I was in a dangerous place. 

And, when I put my guard down and reached out to the people closest to me, I realized who my friends really are. The most dynamic relationships in my life are my friendships. I value the people that didn’t let me break in half over the people that tried to break me.

I’m back. It was a long emotional road, but I made it back. 

Thankful for the amazing friends that pull you back from the brink of your crazy.