Fighting the urge to contact him, because I’m his past even though he’s still my present. And, my future would be angry.
It’s too much.
I know he’s not good for me. I’ve lived all the chaos and discomfort. I’ve been in the midst of all the disappointment and heartache. I know it will never be better. BUT, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. And, it doesn’t mean I didn’t want everything to work out like the movies.
I was waiting for his eureka moment. Maybe, I still kinda am. Umpf.
The newest new guy wouldn’t be okay with this, and the old guy wouldn’t really care.
Found this post from 9/25/2017. I started it, but didn’t finish it. I was embarrassed because of it, struggling with, and being suffocated by it. I loved someone who wasn’t willing, capable, or interested in loving me back.
I mean really loving me, like dangerous levels.
And, I was hanging on with both hands. I was all in. I was looking for any signs that we were meant to be. I was giving so much of myself it was overwhelming for him. I just wanted him to know that I was the one.
And, I wanted him to know I was moving on. Because I was, kinda. And, that should be the boost he needed for his eureka moment. Right?
The new guy, was new. I hadn’t invested much. I didn’t know him well. We didn’t have history. We were new.
It was good, but it might be a hoax. Should I really let go of the chaos I knew for a chaos that I wasn’t sure I wanted? Should I? Really?
In the end, I straddled the fence. The newest new guy was more chaos than I could handle, and the past needed to stay in the past.
I learned from both of them.
And, I walked away knowing that I either wasn’t really ready or wasn’t really committed.