I am insane…well I was. 


I got my feelings hurt over the weekend. It’s a basic situation. I defined insanity. I expected someone to be more than they are capable of being. 

People show you who they are everyday. You must believe them. Even when you want them to be more. Even when you believe in them. Even when you love them. You must believe them. Because they’re trying to convince you of the truth. They are telling you that nothing will ever be any better than it is. Because this is who they are. 

So be grateful that it didn’t go any further than it went. Be grateful that it didn’t break you in half, and that you made it out stronger than before you went through it. 

Thank you for hurting my feelings, this time. I’m devastated. If that was your goal, you should be proud. You got me right before I thought I loved you. 

Chapter Next…


My last relationship was difficult, not every day but a solid 75/25 split. I tried everything to make it work to a point I was working against him for our greater good. I held on with both hands through the bumpiest ride, across cliffs, and into swamps. I ended up emotionally drained. Felt any conversation about what was happening would end with a critical look at me and everything I was doing wrong. I was analyzed to death. I had analyzed to death. It was too much. I wanted too much. I was giving up too much. I doubted there was anything better. Was thinking I was supposed to see this through for both of us. 

Because…

We’re so good when we’re together.

He said he loves me. 

He said he wants this. 

So, I stood in the same place and held on for dear life. I prayed for something, anything. I knew I was wasting my life standing there waiting for him to value all I was bringing to the table, even if he wasn’t ready, or willing, to receive it. I knew it. But, I’d invested too much to walk away. Right?

I prayed for something different. 

And, in walks the new guy. And, he’s totally different. And, he’s happy to be here. And, we’re enjoying what’s happening with no hang ups and expectations. 

I have expectations, but I haven’t told him. My agenda isn’t ready to be exposed. He doesn’t need to know I want to be a wife one day and that I’d love to have another kid. He doesn’t need to know how much I hate to sleep alone and that if you can get me to laugh you have me for life. 

He just needs to know I’m not going for the same silly stuff I went for before. I’m not investing without an investment. And, this could be the most incredible adventure he’s ever been on. 

So, am I really done with the last guy? He’s been the subject of 75% (give or take) of the last 2 years worth of blogs. 

Really? 

Yes. 

I don’t wanna live that life ever again. I don’t wanna go back to those feelings. And, I realize that he doesn’t want to do any of that with me either. It’s fine. I’m happy that chapter is finally over. But, I did love him. And, I own that. Maybe he held me in that place so I’d be here for the new guy or the next guy. 

Today, I’m happy again. I feel in control. And, the new guy is really handsome, incredibly attentive, and laughs at all my jokes. 

And…

Thank you to my friends who listened quietly, while I ranted over the last couple of years, when I know they wanted to shake me. 

XOXO

I’m tired. 

  
So, it may be over. Should be. I don’t know if I should jump up and down or cry in the corner. It’s just too blah. Too basic. Too underwhelming. Too tired. 

Nothing got better. Nothing improved. I always felt disregarded and disrespected. I never got to be a priority. I never felt desired…not while my clothes were on at least. 

I heard “love,” and I held on to that with both hands. 

But, he never asked me how I was doing, what I needed, or what I wanted. I never felt like he was in my corner, cheering from the sidelines, or was my soft spot to fall. He didn’t come through when claimed he would. He never apologized when he fell short. 

I tried. Still trying. Wanted it to work. But, he ain’t there, ain’t ready, and ain’t going for it. That’s unfortunate, because I put my guard down for him. 

SMH

You don’t deserve me. I don’t deserve you. 

  
I tried. I was genuine. I was honest. 

You don’t deserve me. 

You were manipulative and immature. 

I don’t deserve you.

I heard that you loved me, and that’s beautiful. Thanks. But love is an action word and you haven’t been showcasing those actions…for me. You haven’t been kind and considerate. You haven’t been courteous and consistent. You hurt me for no reason. 

I didn’t deserve for you to play in my life, tie up my emotions, and keep me from finding someone real. I didn’t deserve that. 

And, you didn’t deserve for me to give you unlimited chances, try to hold on through it all, or push you to figure things out. 

It was all too much. 

You never deserved me, and I didn’t deserve you. 

Disclaimer: 

Wow. I wrote this 79 days ago. I can remember the emotions tied to it like they are fresh. It was a rough time. It was a painful moment. 

Realizing that someone will never be who you want them to be, no matter how much love, support, and understanding you give them is…I don’t even have a word for that emotion. It sucked. And, I was in a bad place. 

Then, I realized we didn’t deserve each other. And, that was powerful for me. I didn’t do anything to deserve the amount of disrespect and disregard I got in that relationship. It wasn’t me. It had nothing to do with me. It’s his issue. And, he didn’t deserve the love and sacrifice I was offering. He wasn’t ready to value me. 

Not the end of the world. 

Dusting myself off. 

Ready to move on. 

Today, 79 days and countless tears later, I’m no longer hurt. I’m not even mad. I’m good actually. Because I see him for who he is, and I govern myself and my emotions accordingly. 

30 Eye Openers

30 signs that someone isnt interested, or is half-heartedly interested, in you. How to avoid being a passing time candidate. An older post from Bagger Eclaim

1. They’re not contacting you or are sporadically contacting you.

2. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger.

3. They treat you like an option.

4. They don’t want to put both of their feet in and commit. They’d like you to ‘go with the flow’ even if there is nothing flowing, and to expect nothing beyond this.

5. The relationship doesn’t progress – it goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse.

6. They’re keeping you a secret.

7. They tend to be around/call you up when they want something. It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, an armchair psychologist, but if you think back to all the times when you’ve heard from them, you may notice that it was a preamble to something.

8. They leave it to the last minute/short notice to make plans. They may not even bother to make last minute plans – they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around.

9. They create drama in the hope that you’ll take the hint that they’re not interested and end it, so that they can be let off the hook

10. When you’re broken up with them, they get in touch, often in a lazy manner just to ensure that you still jump to their beat. In fact, take the fact that you’re not in a relationship with them as a major sign of disinterest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they got in touch because they want to get back together.

11. They’ll make a lot of noise when you attempt to move on with someone else and then when you ‘reciprocate’, they’re nowhere to be seen.

12. They send text messages, emails, or leave voicemails, and when you no doubt eagerly respond, they either take ages to or don’t bother at all.

13. They don’t break up with their wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend. But they still expect to be with you. Hell, they seem to think you have all the time in the frickin’ world to be waiting around for them.

14. They don’t get that divorce finalised. In fact, they may even pretend they’ve started proceedings!

15. They keep blaming timing, the no 5 bus, work, their ex, their commitment issues, or whatever the excuse du jour is, for why they can’t be or do something. In fact, they keep making excuses.

16. They’re sporadic in their efforts, and you can often pin bursts of efforts to when you either told them to beat it or they felt in danger of losing you.

17. They keep changing their mind about their interest in you.

18. They talk incessantly about themselves while not really taking an interest in you. OR… they deflect conversations away from details about themselves and try to focus on you.

19. They tell you that they love you but they’re not in love with you, that they’re not ready for a relationship, they’re not the right person for you, that they’re a ‘bad person’, ‘out of your league’, that you’re ‘too good for them’ and other such things that basically say I have limited interest in you.

20. They sleep with other people while sleeping with you.

21. They only have a sexual interest in you.

22. It takes them weeks or even months to call you up after a date or taking your number.

23. You’re hanging out like friends. You may even be friends with benefits.

24. They disappear for periods of time.

25. They’re more interested in having things their way, on their terms, being right, and having the power.

26. They treat you without love, care, trust, and respect. Even if you don’t love one another yet, it shouldn’t stop them from being a respectful person with integrity that cares about their actions and those around them.

27. They treat everyone from the old lady down the street, to the postman, the dog and whoever else has no romantic expectations of them with decency, but when it comes to you, they’re an assclown.

28. They’re either Future Avoiders, afraid to talk about the future or make plans, or they’re Future Fakers, faking a future so they can get what they want in the present, because they know they won’t be around in the future, because they’re not genuinely interested.

29. They are controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. These are not signs that they’re actually interested in you – these are signs that they want to control you. This is not the same as love or as a result of love. A person who behaves in this way isn’t the type to have a balanced, respectful relationship, and may not even really want you but won’t want anyone else to have you either.

30. They’re so ‘busy’, they have no time for the relationship. Nobody is that busy and when someone is genuinely interested they find the time.

After reading this, I had to go to my mirror and have a real conversation with myself. 

“I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m witty. I’m worth more than any of these situations. I should be valued and adored, not hidden away and used. 

Starting right now, I am demanding more than this in my relationships. I’m requiring more than this for myself.”

Because, I’ve been involved in more than a few of these. Found myself allowing this chaos in my life like it was normal. It happened before I knew it though, and some situations even masked themselves as something far more honest and small. Not again. 

Disclaimer: This quickly became all about me. I’m just sharing my moment. There’s no advice or story this time. Honestly, I hope no one can relate. 

Brick wall.

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My relationship hit a brick wall. Yep. Same chaotic, dysfunctional, relationship from before. Same guy making commitments he wasn’t serious about making. Same shit different day. Same brick wall.

I’d be lying if I said I was okay. I invited this man into my life, heart, with genuine intention. It’s gonna take a minute to let this go. In the meantime, someone should probably take my phone away.

You can’t make someone be who you want them to be when they’re incapable of being that person. Doesn’t matter what they say if they can’t back it up. Felt great hearing how much you loved me, but it hurt like hell not feeling it.

I’m a marketable chick. I can do this all again. I can find the relationship I’m seeking, but I can’t make you be in that relationship.

Hurts? Yep. But not near as bad as the times before.

I’ll be fine.

Side note: There was this guy, who I met during one of the other brick walls, who randomly text me last night. Is that a sign?

Disclaimer: I wish I was more comfortable with this. Wishing I could put it all out there and confess what a fool I’ve been for love…or something like it. But, the wound is too fresh. I can’t imagine making those types of confessions. General information is best. Maybe I’ll tell it all when I’m happily with the next guy.

I went off the grid.

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I’m not easily overwhelmed. I can usually handle anything that comes my way. I can typically roll with the punches. Might be shook, but seldom do I fall. It’s just the way I’m wired. Thank my parents for resilience.

But, this love, or something like it, stuff is too much. My relationship recently hit a brick wall. Hard. I didn’t even see it coming. Didn’t realize what happened until it happened. Still reeling. Trying to pick up the pieces of chaos and make sense of it. Easier said than done, my friends. Much easier.

Found myself becoming one of those girls I preach against. Questioning everything. Looking for my own faults. Second guessing every word I’ve ever said. Desperate. Miserable. Aching. Wondering what happened. And, why.

It just happened. He holds answers he’s not willing to tell. Life just changes sometimes. Things don’t always work themselves out.

Reading back over the many posts hinting at him, this was inevitable. He hasn’t done anything to convince me we were real. He just didn’t want to do this anymore. Ouch. Damn. Sucks. Life.

So, I had to step back. Dial down my insanity. Stop the calls. Stop the texts. Stop FB. Turn everything way down for a minute. Needed a break to figure it out. Piece together the chaos.

3 days. Maybe 5 days. But that’s it. The demise is 6 days out. How many more days do I need? Don’t know, but I’m only allowing myself a handful more before I just start faking it.

So FB is closed. Twitter is up and running. We have no Twitter connections. I’ll blog. I’ll tweet, and I’ll do Instagram. But, for him and FB I’m closed until further notice.

Dueces.