Little hiccups and chest high walls

Had a little hiccup with the new guy. Yes, already. And, usually it would be just enough for me to go running in the opposite direction. I still have on my running shoes, but I haven’t taken off yet. 

New guy and I made plans. We’d made plans a few times, but something always got in the way. So finally we nailed down a time and date. We committed to it. No matter what, come hell or high water.

And when the time came, he was MIA. I had a lot going on in that moment. It was okay for me to extend my prior plans. I didn’t miss a beat in my own entertainment, but I did have a thousand different emotions around him not following through.

Was it me? Did he notice all the flaws I’m constantly picking at and decide I wasn’t worth the effort? Did he see my bad outweighs my good? Did he find out I’m still dealing with some misplaced emotional shit with the ex? Was he just pretending to like me in the first place? Did he go back to his ex? Had I read too much into what was going on?

I don’t know. But, I took it incredibly personal. There’s was no other way to take it.

He didn’t even seem to notice. He shrugged off my mention of it. Never apologized. Never owned it. Never gave an explanation. Until…I point-blank asked. It was polite, but aggressive. I needed an answer.

Turns out it was circumstance, bad signal, and avoiding the issues. He’s was out with his family. Mothers Day weekend, I’m sure everyone was in town. They were at the lake, doing whatever people do at the lake. He had no service. He lost track of time. All things I believe legimitely happened. But when you regained track of time and your signal returned, you should have made things right with me and our plans. Avoiding an argument? Blah. Blah. Blah. An argument is more likely to have been created by you avoiding me and the issue for the last 2 days. 

I’ve already done this. I’m not doing it again. I’ve already put myself through all of this. I’ve already felt all these feelings. Never again. I can’t spend the next, any span of time, feeling these feelings again. 

We talked. He apologized. I listened. I didn’t overreact. I didn’t under react. I picked my battles and this wasn’t one. It’s too early. It’s too new. I can’t handle the conflict. I’d rather stick with the ex and feel those feelings than start fresh. At least, I know it’s him and not me. At least, I know there’s a layer of love under the bullshit. 

So, we’re going back to the starting line. Starting over like nothing ever happened before. I’m gonna try to be open, but my wall is already up chest high. 

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