What are you holding on for/to?

What are you holding on for/to?

I have ended a relationship many times recently. I have packed up and walked away…not too far away. I have been done…for the most part.

I want this man in my life. I want to hold on, but in a totally different way. We. Don’t. Work. It doesn’t matter how many adjustments and sacrifices I make. He will never be the right man for me. Never. I just want to be nice sometimes, like text on birthdays. No more sex. No more commitment. No more expectations, because he ain’t ready.

I’m holding on because right now, I don’t wanna let go of everything. I don’t wanna hold on to too much though. And, either way that’s not good. I know. But, it’s honest. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t trust him. I can’t love him.

He can’t be angry, it’s ALL his fault.

But, the thought of nothing makes me sad.

And somehow, he knows. I must have a “tell.” Or, I’m showing my hand. Because, he keeps his eye on me. And every time I stray too far, start looking at someone else, or my admiration starts to slip he says just enough to pull me back. I end up closer than I anticipated, and deeper in than I ever wanted.

But, why?

He plays boyfriend remedial. He can’t even nail down friend.

He is toying with me for some reason that I will never know.

I have to stop this. I have to turn this off. I have to realize that having him in my life in any sort of way is toxic and confusing. And, the game will continue because he probably doesn’t know what he’s holding on for/to either.

He will never be the guy.

He will NEVER be the guy, because he is incapable of doing the work.

Thank you sir, for your consistency. This time hurt far less than the last time.

Epiphany: It’s an addiction. I think I can manage it. I know it’s bad. BUT, I don’t wanna let go. One more drink for an alcoholic. Tisk. Tisk.


06/20: I wrote this in an emotional craze. I remember all of those emotions escaping me as frazzled as I was living them. But, getting them out helped to quiet them. Then I went right back into the chaos. Tisk. Tisk.

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