Mom v. Man

Separate your family and relationship if needed.

The last man I dated that I introduced to my mother was my son’s father. My son will be 8 this September.

Tisk. Tisk? Nah.

My mother and I don’t have a sharing sort of relationship. Who I’m dating isn’t something I’m willing to share with her. I don’t need validation from her on my relationship. If it grows to a point that I need to introduce them I will. I’m not afraid. I’m cautious. I don’t trust sharing that with her until I’m ready. And, do I want him to see the toxicity we often bring out in each other as his future? Nope. I want him to be locked in and meet her separate of my relationship with her.

What prompted this?

Most of my close girlfriends also have mom issues. I think it’s how much we rely on them in our adult lives. Most of us are single moms who co-parent with our parents. That blurs the lines already. It’s hard for our mothers to see us as adults when they are maintaining a parental role in our lives. Okay. I get it. But, I don’t need you parenting me.

I was talking to a close friend whose mom invaded her relationship, again. This time her inability to diffuse and separate her relationship from her mom’s overreacting caused a major rift with her guy. He’s pretty mad.

He doesn’t back down. He doesn’t roll over and take whatever her mom dishes out. And, my friend is trapped between two people she loves disrespecting each other.

What do you do?

Separate them in the moment.

Separate them in the future.

When they start going at it, separate them. Take one out of the situation. Hear them out. Calm them down. Then go to the other and do the same. (Be prepared to explain the order in which you supported them. Why them first? Why them second?) If they can’t get back together and talk out the situation, then separate them in the future too. They don’t need to be together until they can interact like the adults they are supposed to be. Or, until one can refrain from being abusive to the other.

You aren’t choosing one over the other. You are choosing peace.

But, what’s next?

Eventually you may have to choose. You can’t keep them separated forever. And if they aren’t willing to interact, are you going to be okay having separate relationships with them? Or, kicking one person out of your life completely? You have to decide that.

Additional information: We have all watched the chaos and crisis of Kandi Burris’ relationships play out on reality television. We all pretend to be shocked, but everyone knows someone dealing with a similar situation.

Whether your mother doesn’t support your relationship because she doesn’t see him as a good choice for you or because of her own insecurities, it’s worth a moment of pause. People can see things differently from the outside, more clarity or more obstruction. Her reservations deserve to be heard. In that conversation you may be able to get to the root of the problem and fix it. And if she’s afraid of losing you, she may just need to hear you say otherwise. No avoidance. Go try!

In your relationship, give his feelings validity, but don’t speak against your mother. He needs to know you’re looking for a resolution not an opportunity to bash. Keep talking to him throughout your process. Show him your intent and ask that he participate in fixing the relationship where he can.

“You can do it!” -Waterboy

Kandi and Todd got married. IJS

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