I really liked this guy. Just because I’m done, I’m not gonna hid that.
Top 3 realizations…
1. I’ll always be disappointed. I’d started cutting you breaks when the disappointments were smaller than the time before. But, relationships shouldn’t be full of disappointments. There’s no ranking system on disappointment. It shouldn’t happen so often that it becomes the norm.
And, being disappointed is exhausting.
2. You aren’t who I really want. You are a really fun time, but there was no future. And, my desperation and loneliness made me mistake that for a happily ever after.
3. I’m not who you want either.
I wish him well. I’m not angry. Maybe one day we can even be cordial, but not today.
[There was this moment, months ago, at his house, in his kitchen, where I caught him staring at me. It made me uneasy. I don’t like all eyes on me in what feels like a judgmental way. He said, very convincing, no smile, like he’d just had an epiphany, “you’re so beautiful.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m fantastic. But the look on his face and the way he said that were new experiences for us. It wasn’t the compliment to get something. It wasn’t a game. Actually, he was a man of few words. I had to pull most of his emotion out of him cleverly. For me, dealing with him, it was a new level of flattery, and I adored it. He had a way of making me feel those butterflies every time we were together. I am still IN LOVE with that feeling. I’ll miss that most of all.]
Now, this whole 2nd Chris thing is officially a wrap. He doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself, and I don’t really care much about him anymore either.
5/31 I read my posts over often, and sometimes I cringe at my words. What I write emotionally can change when I’ve calmed down. Chris doesn’t seem to care much about me and my feelings, and that’s still true. And, because of what’s happened between us my feelings have drastically changed, too. I just can’t afford to care about him the way I once did.
Not angry, really this time. And, I’m even willing to be cordial.
(AGAIN) Cue the music!