He’s back. I have a tendency to just date the same handful of men over and over again. Case in point, James. He pointed out to me that we have been in and out of each other’s lives for 7+ years.
Who does that?
Me. I do.
So there’s something that has propelled this along for almost a decade, but what?
We are almost toxic. We bring out high emotion in each other. It’s gas and fire meeting in rage and passion. All the time.
So what do I say when he wants to try again. This time officially, like two grown people who have their stuff together. How do I open the door without the fear that it will slam in my face?
Backstory: James and I started dating on the heels of his divorce. I was struggling with my stance with the 1st Chris, and he was half in and half out of his marriage. It was bad timing for both of us. I think we were both place holders finding comfort outside an uncomfortable situation. And it worked, until it didn’t.
The end was peaceful. I don’t remember any drama, but it was over 7 years ago. We bounced in and out of each other’s lives multiple times afterwards. Just friends really.
Then the unthinkable happened. I got pregnant, and we freaked out. It was emotional chaos. I was overwhelmed. I HATE being a single mother. I didn’t want to do it again. And, there was no comfort from him. He didn’t want a family with me. He wanted this baby. That’s the LAST thing a single mom wants to hear.
I fought between abortion and having the baby. I decided to have the baby. James and I committed to figuring it out. The first doctors appointment came. I wanted to go alone. I had always gone alone with Blaise. I preferred it. I liked having that time to discuss things with my doctor. Something’s aren’t cute and need to be private.
I went to the doctors appointment, and they couldn’t find the heartbeat. The baby we had literally fought to have, was gone. We spent all that time thinking it was our decision, and it never was. We were both heart broken.
We’ve only talked a handful of times since. It’s hard to go back after something so big. Until today, when he put down his guard and told me he cares about me. And, I care about him too. It’s just that our history is so big, I’m scared a relationship would be suffocating.
We shall see…
Disclaimer: I have always been pro choice. It’s not my place, or anyone else’s, to judge what someone decides to do in their situation. It’s between that person and their God.