I originally posted this at stylechatic.wordpress.com, January 18, 2014. It was a part of my “No Fashion, Just Feelings” series before I started this relationship blog.
[I wrote this in a very emotional place. It was following the crash and burn of a relationship that I was really invested in. However, it was general in nature. I’d fallen for some of the same antics I’d fallen for before, and I was just calling them out.]
I’m over 30, and another birthday is creeping up fast.
I’m finding in my progressing age that I’m still struggling with this male/female relationship thing. I recently sacrificed the right guy for the wrong guy. Again. I’m half ready to do the commitment and marriage thing, but I’m also terrified. The ridiculous, dumb at life, boys are safe, but they are bound to disappoint me. And, they do. Even when we have “an understanding,” they seem to find a way to disappoint me in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Wait, nah I saw it coming. I just didn’t expect it. Wait, nah I kinda expected it. I didn’t want it to happen. Confirm. I wanted us to be “better than that.”
What’s happening that as adults, comfortably in our 30s, we don’t know how to interact?
Me. I’m scared to want commitment and marriage too much when I can’t trust that the men around me are in the same place. I’m scared to not have a man on deck, to trust the man I’m with, or even imagine there’s love on the horizon. I’m scared that the fairy tale really is just a fairy tale. Even the women around me who got it all don’t seem to like it. What’s really going on?
Me. I think the men that sound genuine are just running game.
Me. How do I get a man, marriage, and one more baby in 2 years if the entire dating pool is tainted? I’m almost 33, and the pregnancy game changes at 35. I have a huge biological clock ticking in my ear and satisfying its aggression is beyond my control. I’m screwed. And, I’m not gonna take anything. I’ve been doing the single mom drama thing, and no more. I’m not gonna be tricked. I’m not gonna go for anything. We have to be kismet, blessed, and soul mates before I walk down any aisles or have any babies.
Him. He doesn’t mind filling my uterus. Sure, I’ve gotten a handle on this motherhood thing, and I’d be great at starting again. But, he never mentioned the relationship part. And if you’re so vain you think this is about you, nope you are constantly being repeated through my life with the same words and different faces.
Him. He refuses to communicate. He doesn’t even realize it. He’s so scared of the possibility of a “scene” he lets a misunderstanding turn into Armageddon.
He looks for greener grass. He refuses to accept when he loves me.
I’m tending the hell out of this garden. I can love him and his faults.
January 20, 2014