I originally posted this at stylechatic.wordpress.com, January 22, 2014. It was a part of my “No Fashion, Just Feelings” series before I started this relationship blog.
So I started StyleChaotic as an outlet for my ever developing, and often faltering style. It’s kinda my thing now. I use this to just get stuff out of my head too. I should change this to Life Chaotic, but this domain name is all paid up. Oh well.
Tonight, I’m back to my “no fashion, just feelings.” I finally watched Auntie Oprah’s Lifeclass – Stop Settling & Start Dating Smarter. Let’s talk. I must agree that as women we will drop our standards in search for a man’s potential in a heart beat. Even when his reality is slapping us in the face. So, what’s the key? Dating, really? I’m already doing that, or am I?
I haven’t been on a date in a long time. I’ve hung out and hooked up, but I can only barely remember a traditional date. We aren’t dating anymore. We aren’t really getting to know each other. We are hanging out and hooking up and trying to manipulate that into dating. True. And, it’s a failure.
These were the myths and the turn around.
1. A man will make your life complete. Do we really believe this? Impossible, right? You are the only person that can make you complete. And, you can’t be ready for a relationship until that is accomplished. If you struggle with this, start with prayer, talk to your friends, seek therapy, and/or whatever else it takes for you to get whole. Do it! Stay focused! Complete yourself.
2. As women we share too much too soon. Hold back. Pace yourself. There are key things that you should share as you date. Are you a parent? Your career. Goals and aspirations, even. But everything else should stay in your box. As the dating progresses, you can let little bits out along the way. He is not your girlfriend. He is not even your friend. Remember that and take your time.
3. He shouldn’t care how I look. He sure should not. High five! But, let’s be real. Just as you expect him to bring his A game for you, take your A game to him. You are making a first impression. You only have one shot. Sell it! Go as the best version of you. Represent what he can continue to see though. If you don’t usually wear a full face of make up and caviar fingernails, then go subtle with a five minute face and a standard manicure. Be a strong representation of everything you beautifully are.
4. Sex will seal the deal. Oh, the lies you tell! We all know that you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. If you are looking for a sexual relationship, go forth and do you. If you are looking to be his Mrs then you need to get your impulses in check. Even the men on the show said they won’t marry the woman spreading her legs freely. If he got it that easy, he will always wonder who else is getting it. And again, that sucks. As sexually liberated women we would love to make sexual choices without the double standard, but life isn’t fair. Get a dildo and pleasure yourself until your relationship reaches that point comfortably and organically. As Patti Stanger says, “no sex without monogamy.”
5. I only attract losers. I believe you attract what you put out. If you come across as a loser then the losers will flock to you. If you carry yourself like a winner, the losers will know you are far out of their league. Check yourself!
6. Men can’t handle my success. I get it. I’ve dated men that were incredibly challenged by my life, my upbringing, or my material possessions. Those weren’t the men for me. I don’t flaunt anything I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed and appreciative, but this stuff isn’t a big deal. And, the man who is right for me will encourage the next step and embrace where I am. He will push me to be better. He will celebrate my achievements. If he can’t, it seems we’ve accidentally attracted one of those losers.
I enjoyed watching this. Please check your local listing for reruns.
I took notes, and I took an honest look at my own life. Dating is hard, and a couple of recent hiccups with some cute guys has me really assessing my feelings. I’m not good at this, but I’ll get better. And, I appreciate my friends taking this journey of relationship discovery with me.