I dated this guy named Chris. For those of you that know me well, I’m not talking about my son’s dad. There’s more than one Chris in the world. There are at least two, and I have been involved with both of them.
The first Chris was a beautiful disaster. I got a perfect little boy out of the deal, but we are better off as nonfriends. (Defined as two people who are not friends.) We co-parent creatively and with assistance. It works, it could definitely be better, but it’s not broken. Hooray!
Chris #2. No, the 2nd Chris I dated. There’s no ranking of any kind here. He’s super! If I am face to face with this man it’s laughter and high fives all the way. The problem is we are seldom face to face. I don’t trust him. I don’t believe him. And, I don’t think it has the longevity of a gold fish. But, it’s great when we are together. I don’t know if our issue is distance (we live an hour and a half from each other), or my self sabotage, or that it just ain’t meant to be. But I know that I adore him. I may love him, or something like it.
It’s been a year, almost, in this crazy dance with the 2nd Chris. And, it’s on a fast decline. I’ve said some things I should (not a typo, I meant “SHOULD”) have said at the wrong time and in the wrong way. I’ve been done and gone back so many times I’m a constant contradiction. Right now, we aren’t speaking at all. Well, I’m speaking…but he’s not.
I don’t know if my love, or something like it, is honest with this man. Or, if I’m stuck between loneliness and a fear of losing. We all know loneliness, but this other fear is real for me too. I have invested in my relationship, or non-relationship, with this man. I have spent my time, my emotions, and my money. I have invested a lot by my terms. It’s hard to walk away from that type of investment, but it’s silly to stay when you aren’t yielding any return. I don’t want to lose. I do want him, but I really don’t want to lose.
What is/was the relationship supposed to be anyway? Was it a lesson? Was he in place to teach me something for the next relationship? Was he the great love of my life, this IN love that people talk about? I don’t know, and that’s okay. I couldn’t keep playing this game with him waiting for one of us to take the leap. There’s a lot to be said that neither of us did. I should just move his pictures from my “photos” to that “ex” folder of my email. Or, should I hold out hope for a sign. I don’t know. Right now, I’m gonna just let this go and wish him well. At least I get to take my dunce cap off now, and I can throw away all those little momentos.
The Chris saga isn’t done. This relationship has provoked so many things I wanna talk about it. It’s been really eye opening in how I conduct myself in relationships and the lengths I’ve gone. This is good for at least 3 more posts…
These posts are not meant to be demeaning or disrespectful to you. This is my truth. And this is me figuring out why at 33, I’ve never really been IN love. And as much as I want a relationship, I’m terrified of that level of commitment and as usual, possibly sabotaging everything I end up in. You, face to face, are EVERYTHING!